confeffor. I faid to him, "What my father, am I "the only perfon in our family to be loft? Alas! help "me in my falvation." He was greatly furprized to fee me fo much afflicted, and comforted me in the best manner he could, not thinking me fo bad as I was; for in the midst of my backflidings I was docile, punctual in obedience, careful to confefs often; and fince I went to him my life was more regular. Oh thou God of love, how often haft thou knocked at the door of my heart! how often terrified me with appearances of fudden death! Yet all these only made a tranfient impreffion. I presently returned again to my infidelities; but this time thou took nie, and I may fay quite carried off my heart. Alas, what grief I now fuftained for having displeased thee! what regrets, what exclamations, what fobbings! Who would have thought, to fee me, but that my converfion would have lafted as long as my life? Why didft thou not, oh my God, utterly take this heart to thyself, when I gave it to thee fo fully, or if thou didst take it then, oh why didft thou let it revolt again afterward? It was not but that thou waft ftrong enough to hold it; but it feems to me that thou chofe, in leaving me to myfelf, to cause thy mercy to fhine more confpicuously; and the extent of my iniquities to ferve for a lafting monument of thy goodness.

I immediately applied myself to every part of my duty. I made a general confeffion with great compunction of heart. I frankly confeffed all that I knew with torrents of tears. I became fo changed, that I was scarce to be known. I would not for ever fo much have made the leaft voluntary flip; and they found not any matter for abfolution when I confeffed. I discovered the very smallest faults: And God did me the favour to enable me to conquer myself in many things. There were left only fome remains of paffion, which gave me fome trouble to conquer: But as foon as I had, by means thereof, given any difpleasure even to the domestics, I begged their pardon, in order to fubdue

fubdue at the fame time my wrath and my pride; for wrath is the daughter of pride. A perfon truely humbled suffers not any thing to put him in a rage. As it is pride which dies the laft in the foul, fo it is paffion which is laft deftroyed in the outward conduct. A foul thoroughly annihilated, or dead to itfelf, finds nothing of rage left in itfelf.

There are perfons who, being very much filled with the unction of grace, and with a favoury peace, at their entrance of the refigned path of light and love, think they are come thus far: But they are greatly miftaken. This they will readily discover, if they are heartily willing to examine two things; firft, if their nature is lively, warm and violent, (for I ipeak not of ftupid tempers) they will find, from time to time, that they make flips, in which trouble and emotion have fome fhare; and which even then are useful to humble and reform them. And when fuch a humility is wrought, then the rage is all loft and utterly deftroyed. Moreover they will find that there often rife in them certain motions of anger, but the sweetnefs of grace holds them back by a fecret violence : They would easily tranfgrefs, if in any wife they gave way to thefe motions: There are perfons who think themselves very mild, because nothing thwarts them: It is not of fuch that I am speaking; for the mildnefs, which has never been put to the proof, is often only a mask of mildness. Those persons who, when unmolested appeared Saints, are no fooner exercised by vexing occurrences, than there ftarts up in them a ftrange number of faults, which they had thought to be dead; and which only lay dormant, because nothing awaked them.

I followed my religious exercises. I fhut myself up all the day to read and to pray. I gave all I had to the poor, taking even linen to their houses to make them neceffaries. I taught them the catechism; and, when my parents dined abroad, I made them

eat

eat with me, and ferved them with great refpect. I read the works of St. Francis de Sales and the life of Madam de Chantal. There I found that she made prayers. I begged of my confeffor to teach me to make them; and as he did not, I tried to make them myself as well as I could; but without any fuccefs, as I then thought, because I could imagine. nothing; and yet perfuaded myfelf, that prayer could not be made without forming to one's felf certain ideas and reasoning much. This difficulty gave me no fmall trouble, and that for a long time. I was nevertheless very affiduous therein, and prayed earneftly to God to give me the gift of prayer. All that I faw writ in the life of M. de Chantal charmed me; and I was fo mere a child, that I thought I ought to do every thing that I faw in it. All the vows the had made I made alfo, as that of ever aiming at the highest perfection, and of doing the will of God in every thing I was not yet twelve years of age: neverthelefs § I took the difcipline according to my ftrength. One day as I was reading that she had put the name of Jefus on her heart, to follow the counsel of the fpoufe Set me as a feal upon thy heart", and that for this purpofe, fhe had taken a red hot iron, whereupon that holy name was engraven, I was very muchafflicted that I could not do the fame. I took it in my head to write that facred and adorable name, in large characters, on a piece of paper. With ribbands and

a big

*St. Francis de Sales fhe feveral times mentions with great efteem, in this and in the Second Part; a fummary of his life is defigned to be inferted in the Appendix to this First Part.

M. de Chantal was the eldest daughter of Francis de Sales. I find that her life was written in French, but I have not yet met with it. I alfo find her called Baronefs of Chantal, and not much more about her, but that he was very much efteemed as a pious and devout lady.

This discipline in the Romish church is for people to fcourge themselves for their fins. This and many other grievous bodily aufterities fhe often afterwards voluntarily underwent, of which fome notice will be taken in the proper place.

Cant. viii. 6.

a big needle I faftened it to my fkin in four places; and in that pofition it continued a long time.

After this, I turned all my thoughts to become a nun, very often going to the vifitation; for the love which I had for St. Francis de Sales did not permit me to think of any other community than this of which he was the founder. I frequently went to beg the nuns there to receive me into their convent. Often I ftole out of my father's houfe to go thither, and repeatedly folicited them to confent to my admiffion. But, tho' it was what they eagerly desired, even as a temporal advantage; yet they never durft let me enter their house, as they very much feared my father, whofe fondnefs for me they were no ftrangers to. There was then at that, house a niece of my father's, to whom I am under great obligations. Fortune had not been very favourable to her father, and had thereby reduced her in fome fort to depend on mine, to whom she discovered my inclination; who, tho' he would not for any thing in the world have hindered a right vocation, yet could not hear of my design without hedding tears. But as he happened at this time to be abroad, my cousin went to my confeffor, to defire him to forbid my going to the vifitation. He durft not however do it plainly, for fear of drawing on himself the refentment of that community; for they already looked upon me as their's. Yet I ftill wanted to be a nun, and importuned my mother exceffively to take me to that house; but she would not do it, for fear of grieving my father, who was yet abfent, and she still referred me to his return. As I faw that I could not obtain from her what I defired, I counterfeited her hand writing, and forged a letter in which the befought thofe ladies to receive me; excufing herself from coming with me on account of her illness: But the priorefs, who was a relation of my mother's, and well acquainted with her hand, at once detected the forgery.

CHAP.

CHA P. V.

Nofell into a violent diftemper. My mother was at

O fooner was my father returned home, than he

the fame time indifpofed in another part of the house. I was then all alone with him, ready to render him every kind of fervice I was capable of, and to give him all the dutiful marks of a moft fincere affection: And I don't doubt but my affiduity was very agreeable to him. I went,

G

Having published the three foregoing fheets, I have thereby had the opportunity of hearing opinions on them, generally in their favour, but not all. The preliminary obfervations, already made, are far fhort of fatisfying fome individuals. They feem to have a meafure of their own, and little to regard purity of heart and life in others, if it does not tally with their own meafure in every circumftantial article. I really think it far too unreasonable to demand and expect that in all countries, and under all difadvantages, every point shall exactly quadrate with their measure. Now the Apostle Paul, as there were early in the Chriftian Church different fentiments, among the converted Jews and Gentiles, informed them that in CHRIST JESUS Circumcifion availed nothing, nor uncircumcifion, but a new creature.* And fuch was M. GUIONcreated anew in him, unto good works.† So the pious Judge HALE defcribes his fentiments of fincere practical chriftians from whom in profeffion he diffented. Concerning the ends, defign, and effect of true christian religion he writes thus:

"It teaches and tutors the foul to a high reverence and venera"tion of ALMIGHTY GOD, a fincere and upright walking as in the prefence of the invifible, all-feeing GoD. It makes a man "truly to love, to honour, to obey Him; and therefore careful "to know what His will is. It renders the heart highly thankful "to Him, both as his Creator, Redeemer, and Benefactor.-He that fears the Lord of Heaven and Earth-walks humbly before him-thankfully lays hold of the meffage of redemption by Chrift Jefus ftrives to exprefs his thankfulness by the fincerity of his "obedience—is forry with all his foul when he comes fhort of his duty-walks watchfully in the denial of himself, and holds no confederacy with any luft or known fin: If he fall in the leaft

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* Gal. vi. 15. † Eph, ii. 10

measure,