and return to my old simplicity of diet; and after I did so, neither my stomach nor my head much complained of the motion of the ship. Wednesday 28, Finding the unaccountable apprehensions of I know not what danger, (the wind being small, and the sea smooth) which had been upon me several days, increase; I cried earnestly for help; and it pleased God as in a moment to restore peace to my soul. Let me observe hereon. 1, That none of these hours ought to pass out of my remembrance, till I attain another manner of spirit; a spirit equally willing to glorify God by life or by death. 2. That whoever is uneasy on any account (bodily pain alone excepted) carries in himself his own conviction, That he is so far an unbeliever. Is he uneasy, at the apprehension of death? Then he believeth not, That to die is gain. At any of the events of life? Then he hath not a -firm belief, That all things work together for his good. And if he bring the matter more close, he will always find, besides the general want of faith, every particular uneasiness is evidently owing to the want of some particular Christian temper. Sunday, Jan. 1, 1738, All in the ship, except the captain and steersman, were present both at the morning and evening service, and appeared as deeply attentive, as even the poor people of Frederica did, while the word of God was new to their ears. And it may be, one or two among these likewise, may bring forth fruit with patience, Monday 2, Being sorrowful and very heavy, (though I could give no particular reason for it) and utterly unwilling to speak closely to any of my little flock, (about 20 persons) I was in doubt, whether my neglect of them was not one cause of my own heaviness. In the evening therefore, I begun instructing the cabin boy; after which I was much easier. I went several times the following days, with a design to speak to the sailors, but could not. I mean, I was quite averse from speaking; I could not see how to make an occasion, and it seemed quite absurd to speak without one.. Is not this what men commonly mean by, "I could not speak ?" And is this a sufficient cause of silence, or not? Is it a prohibition from the good Spirit? or a temptation from nature or the evil one? Friday 6, I ended the abridgment of Mr. de Renty's Life. O that such a life should be related by such a historian! Who by inserting all, if not more than all the weak things that holy man ever said or did; by his commendation of almost every action or word which either deserved or needed it not; and by his injudicious after another warm embrace, and with every appearance of the highest satisfaction. "The General soon after this sailed for Europe. But one of the last charges which he gave, and that in the presence of several persons, was, 'Causton, whatever you do, take heed, if you regard my favour, that you do not quarrel with Mr. Wesley.' Many years after this, General Oglethorpe met Mr. Wesley at the house of his brother Charles in London. And as soon as he entered the room, the General, in the presence of a very numerous company, advanced, and bowing down, kissed his hand." Vol. 1, pp. QF 260. manner of relating many others, which were indeed highly commendable; has cast the shade of superstition and folly over one of the brightest patterns of heavenly wisdom. Saturday 7, I began to read and explain some passages of the Bible to the young Negro. The next morning, another Negro who was on board, desired to be a hearer too. From them I went to the poor Frenchman, who understanding no English, had none else in the ship with whom he could converse. And from this time, I read and explained to him a chapter in the Testament every morning. Sunday 8, In the fulness of my heart, I wrote the following words: "By the most infallible of proofs, inward feeling, I am convinced, ← 1. Of unbelief, having no such faith in Christ, as will prevent my heart from being troubled; which it could not be, if I believed in God, and rightly believed also in Him: 2. "Of pride, throughout my life past, inasmuch as I thought I had, what I find I have not: 3. "Of gross irrecollection, inasmuch as in a storm I cry to God every moment; in a calm; not. 4. "Of levity and luxuriancy of spirit, recurring whenever the pressure is taken off, and appearing by my speaking words not tending to edify; but most, by my manner of speaking of my enemies." "Lord, save, or I perish! Save me 1. "By such a faith as implies peace in life and in death.” * 2. "By such humility, as may fill my heart from this hour for ever, with a piercing uninterrupted sense, Nihil est quod hactenus feci, having evidently built without a foundation." 3. "By such a recollection as may cry to thee every moment, especially when all is calm; give me faith or I die; give me a lowly spirit; otherwise † Mihi non sit suave vivere.” 4. "By steadiness, seriousness, Zvons, sobriety of spirit, avoiding as fire every word that tendeth not to edifying, and never speaking of any who oppose me, or sin against God, without all my own sins set in array before my face." This morning, after explaining those words of St. Paul,,' I beseech you brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God," I exhorted my fellowtravellers with all my might, to comply with the apostle's direction. But leaving them afterwards to themselves, the seriousness they shewed at first soon vanished away. On Monday 9, and the following days, I reflected much on that vain desire which had pursued me for so many years of being in solitude, in order to be a Christian. I have now, thought, I, solitude enough; but am I therefore the nearer being a Christian? Not if Jesus Christ be the model of Christianity. I doubt indeed I am much nearer that mystery of Satan which some writers affect to call by that name. So near, that I had probably sunk wholly into it, had not the great mercy of God just now thrown me upon reading St. Cyprian's * 1 have done nothing hitherto. VOL. I. + Let life be a burden to me. Works. "O my soul, come not thou into their secret! Stand thou in the good old paths." Friday 13, We had a thorough storm, which obliged us to shut all close, the sea breaking over the ship continually. I was at first afraid; but cried to God and was strengthened. Before ten I lay down, I bless God, without fear. About midnight we were awaked by a confused noise, of seas, and wind, and men's voices, the like to which I had never heard before. The sound of the sea breaking over and against the sides of the ship, I could compare to nothing but large cannon, or American thunder. The rebounding, starting, quivering motion of the ship, much resembled what is said of earthquakes, the captain was upon deck in an instant. But his men could not hear what he said. It blew a proper hurricane; which beginning at Southwest, then went West, North-west, North, and in a quarter of an hour, round by the East to the South-west point again. At the same time the sea running (as they term it) mountain high, and that from many different points at once, the ship would not obey the helm; nor indeed could the steersman, through the violent rain, see the compass, So he was forced to let her run before the wind, and in half an hour the stress of the storm was over. About noon the next day it ceased. But first I had resolved, God being my helper, not only to preach to all, but to apply the word of God to every single soul in the ship: and if but one, yea if not one of them will hear, I know my labour is not in vain. I no sooner executed this resolution, than my spirit revived; so that from this day I had no more of that fearfulness and heaviness, which before almost continually weighed me down. I am sensible one who thinks the being in Orco, as they phrase it, an indispensable preparative for being a Christian, would say, I had better have continued in that state; and that this unseasonable relief was a curse, not a blessing. Nay, but who art thou, O man, who in favour of a wretched hypothesis, thus blasphemest the good gift of God? Hath not he himself said, "This also is the gift of God, if a man have power to rejoice in his labour?" Yea, God setteth his own seal to his weak endeavours, while he thus "answereth him in the joy of his heart." Tuesday 14, We spoke with two ships, outward bound, from whom we had the welcome news, of our wanting but 160 leagues of the land's end. My mind was now full of thought; part of which I writ down as follows: . "I went to America, to convert the Indians: but, oh! Who shall convert me Who, what is he that will deliver me from this evil heart of unbelief? I have a fair summer-religion, I can talk well; and believe myself, while no danger is near: But let death look me in the face, and my spirit is troubled. Nor can I say, To die is gain! nay, "I have a sin of fear, that when I've spun "I think, verily, if the Gospel be true, I am safe: for I not only howo riven, and do give all my goods to feed the poor; I not only give my body to be burned, drowned, or whatever God shall appoint for me; but I follow after charity (though not as I ought, yet as I can) if haply I may attain it. I now believe the Gospel is true. I shew my faith by my works, by staking my all upon it. I would do so again and again a thousand times, if the choice were still to make: whoever sees me, sees I would be a Christian. Therefore are my ways not like other men's ways. Therefore I have been, I am, I am content to be, a by-word, a proverb of reproach. But in a storm I think, "What if the Gospel be not true? Then thou art of all men most foolish. For what hast thou given thy goods, thy ease, thy friends, thy reputation, thy country, thy life? For what art thou wandering over the face of the earth? A dream, a cunningly devised fable? O who will deliver me from this fear of death! What shall I do? Where shall I flee from it! Should I fight against it by thinking, or by not thinking of it? A wise man advised me some time since, "Be still and go on." Perhaps this is best. To look upon it as my cross: when it comes, to let it humble me, and quicken all my good resolutions, especially that of praying without ceasing; and at other times to take no thought about it, but quietly to go on in the work of the Lord." We went on with a small, fair wind, till Thursday in the afternoon, and then sounding, found a whitish sand at 75 fathom: But having had no observation for several days, the captain began to be uneasy, fearing we might either get unawares into the Bristol channel, or strike in the night on the rocks of Scilly. Saturday 28, Was another cloudy day but about ten in the morning (the wind continued southerly) the clouds began to fly just contrary to the wind, and to the surprise of us all sunk down under the sun, so that at noon we had an exact observation; and by this we found we were as well as we could desire, about eleven leagues south of Scilly. Sunday 26, We saw English land once more, which about noon appeared to be the Lizard Point. We ran by it with a fair wind, and at noon the next day, made the west end of the Isle of Wight. Here the wind turned against us, and in the evening blew fresh, so that we expected (the tide being likewise strong against us)'to be driven some leagues backward in the night: but in the morning, to our great surprise, we saw Beachy Head just before us, and found we had gone forwards near forty miles. At Toward evening was a calm; but in the night a strong north wind brought us safe into the Downs; the day before, Mr Whitefield had sailed out, neither of us then knowing any thing of the other. four in the morning we took boat, and in half an hour landed at Deal: It being Wednesday, February 1, the Anniversary Festival in Georgia for Mr. Oglethorpe's landing there. It is now two years and almost four months, since I left my native country, in order to teach the Georgian Indians, the nature of Christianity. But what have I learned myself in the mean time? Why (what I the least of all suspected) that I who went to America to convert others, was never myself converted to God. I am not mad, -though I thus speak; but I speak the words of truth and soberness; if haply some of those who still dream may awake, and see, that am, so are they.— as I Are they read in philosophy? So was I. In ancient or modern tongues? So was I also. Are they versed in the science of divinity? I too have studied it many years. Can they talk fluently upon spiritual things? The very same could I do. Are they plenteous in alms? Behold, I gave all my goods to feed the poor. Do they give of their labour as well as their substance? I have laboured more abundantly than they all. Are they willing to suffer for their brethren? I have thrown up my friends, reputation, ease, country; I have put my life in my hand, wandering into strange lands; I have given my body to be devoured by the deep, parched up with heat, consumed by toil and weariness, or whatsoever God shall please to bring upon me. But does all this (be it more or less, it matters not) make me acceptable to God? Does all I ever did or can know, say, give, do or suffer, justify me in his sight? Yea, or the constant use of all the means of grace? (which nevertheless is meet, right and our bounden duty) Or, that I know nothing of myself, that I am as touching outward, moral righteousness blameless? Or, (to come closer yet) the having a rational conviction of all the truths of Christianity? Does all this give me a claim to the holy, heavenly, divine character of a Christian? By no means. If the oracles of God are true, if we are still to abide by the law and testimony: all these things, though when ennobled by faith in Christ, they are holy, and just, and good, yet without it are dung and dross. This then have I learned in the ends of the earth, that I am fallen short of the glory of GoD; that my whole heart is altogether corrupt and abominable, and consequently my whole life, (seeing it cannot be, that an evil tree should bring forth good fruit :) That my own works, my own sufferings, my own righteousness, are so far from reconciling me to an offended God, so far from making any atonement for the least of those sins, (which are more in number than the hairs of my head,) that the most specious of them need an atonement themselves, or they cannot abide his righteous judgment: That having the sentence of death in my heart, and having nothing in or of myself to plead, I have no hope but that of being justified freely through the redemption that is in Jesus: I have no hope but that if I seek I shall find Christ, and "be found in him, not having my own righteousness, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith." If it be said, that I have faith (for many such things have I heard from many miserable comforters,) I answer, so have the devils,-a sort of faith; but still they are strangers to the covenant of promise. So the apostles had even at Cana in Galilee, when Jesus first manifested forth his glory; even then they, in a sort believed on him; but they had not then the faith that overcometh the world. The faith I want is, "A sure trust and confidence in God, that through the merits of Christ, my sins are forgiven, and I reconciled to the favour of God." I want that faith which St. Paul recommends to all |