OLD PODLER'S PREDICTIONS FOR 1894. HIS NINETY-SEVENTH ANNUAL ADDRESS. YET once more, Reader, doth OLD PODLER assume his prophetic pen and essay to probe the unfathomable veil of Futurity! He is not so young as he used to be, and the early date at which this Almanack goes to press renders his task more arduous than what it has been in the habit of being in days of yore. Consequently, this year he will not attempt to forecast coming events for the entire Universe as on previous occasions, but intends to restrict his vision entirely to the destinies of the great Metropolis in which he pursues his scientific avocations. Readers are kindly requested not to call upon OLD PODLER at the Punch office, as he does not reside there, and it only worries the Proprietors, and might terminate in his services being abruptly dispensed with. But to our task. January.-At the period of Lunation Jupiter will be setting in the middle of Scorpio, the end of which will be rising, when Jupiter will be himself in the ascendant, which OLD PODLER very much fears presignifies grave internal complications in the mechanism of the Automatic Sweetmeat Machines at one or more of the principal Underground Railway Stations. Uranus, in a quartile aspect with the Sun and Moon, now plagues Piccadilly and afflicts the Beadle of a well-known Arcade with chickenpox. Jupiter approaching Taurus is fraught with evil for the Clown at Drury Lane Pantomime and the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, who are warned to abstain from acidulated drops. Male persons whose birth occurred between ten and seventeen years ago may expect towards the end of the month a complete change in their habits and surroundings, and-unless OLD PODLER is greatly deceivedthe change will not be for the better. "IN WHICH THE WHOLE STRENGTH OF THE COMPANY WILL APPEAR." Stage Manager at Amateur Rehearsal (interrupting). "STOP A MINUTE-THAT WON'T DO AT ALL! THIS IS OUR LAST REHEARSAL, YU KNOW, AND WE MUST GET IT RIGHT. WHEN SIR HILARY ENTERS, AND SAYS, SURRENDER YOUR LOVELY BURDEN, MY LORD!' ARAMINTA HAS FAINTED, AND LORD SANSFOY IS CARRYING HER IN HIS ARMS INTO THE COTTAGE. NOW THEN, AGAIN, PLEASE!" A NEW YEAR'S GREETING. "Jan. 1. M. Queen's Taxes, &c., due."-First Entry in Almanack for 1891. BILLS due were falling fast, my cash appeared to sink, I heard the bell, pulled hard, go tinkle-tinkle-tink! And looking out o' window, I gloomily espied A smart Queen's-Tax Collector, with ink-horn at his side. "What ails thee, man?" I cried. "Why pull so at my bell?" The man's response like lead upon my spirit fell : "'Appy New Year!" he smirked; "and many on 'em too! I've called for the Queen's Taxes, which same to-day falls due!" ADAPTED PROVERBS FOR SHOOTERS. (By an enthusiast for long days.)-It's never too late to end. Fire in haste and vent your displeasure (on your gun). OLD PODLER'S PREDICTIONS FOR 1894. February.-The Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus, and Herschel will all be in the 5th house together, which being so fully occupied, we may expect grave scandals affecting a certain institution which OLD PODLER does not feel himself at liberty to particularise more fully. Venus in the 3rd will trouble the Shaftesbury Memorial Fountain, which will be the object of anonymous letters attacking its respectability. About the middle of the month there will be an epidemic of swine fever in the Lowther Arcade. Parliament will re-assemble, and the neighbourhood of Westminster will be startled by some serious escapes of gas in the immediate vicinity. The passage of Uranus through Leo convulses Clapham to its foundations. Weather sultry, with frosts (locally). HARCOURTIANA. ["In pursuance of the mission undertaken in the middle of the last century we have reached the district of the New Forest, and have availed ourselves of the opportunity of examining, collating, and editing the rich store of historical MS. garnered by the eminent statesman whose career shed lustre on the closing years of the reign of VICTORIA. The student familiar with the style and method of the Duc de la ROCHEFOUCAULD, will probably observe in the essays we have rescued from obscurity some evidence of that philosopher's influence. But the Squire of MALWOOD, though an apt pupil, was a master spirit, and his axioms are all his own." -Extract from the Report of the Royal Commission on Historical MSS. presented to Parliament in the Session of 1993.] MR. PUNCH, as usual up to date, and occasionally (as in this instance) a century ahead of it, has had the good fortune to secure JONES, MUCH ANNOYED AT HIS DUCKING, HAS THE EXTRA IRRITATION OF FINDING HIMSELF THE OBJECT OF INTEREST TO AN AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHER! OLD PODLER'S PREDICTIONS FOR 1894. March will-so far as OLD PODLER is enabled to decipher the voices of the stars correctly, which, at his age and experience, he ought to it-be a singularly quiet and uneventful month. Jupiter, he is sorry to say, will be elevated, and Mars in an Oriental position; but this, on the whole, is unimportant. Nevertheless it would not surprise OLD PODLER to find Primrose Hill developing, on or about the 10th, into an active volcano, while the passage of Mars through Capricorn will not improbably produce a simoom on the Serpentine. The Shaftesbury Memorial Fountain is still under the ban of Venus. LINES BY A LOGICALLY-MINDED MAN. ONE advertising formula my fancy always tickles; OLD PODLER'S PREDICTIONS FOR 1894. April.-Aquarius, ascending, meets Taurus, and retrogrades into the 1st house. There will be an eclipse of the moon, but as it will only be a very small one, and invisible from anywhere, OLD PODLER does not consider its influence likely to be generally felt. We may therefore hope for a considerable reduction in the price of Anglo-Dutch oysters. The London season now commences, and several fashionable pickpockets and thoroughfares will be taken up. Venus, lady of the 10th, in the 7th, denotes a startling innovation in the costume of the fair sex. OLD PODLER devoutly trusts that a return to the Crinoline is not hereby indicated; but he is bound in candour to confess that the celestial aspects are rather significant that way. Choristers, Crowned Heads, and Chiropodists, born when Scorpio held one of the extremities of Gemini, should shun orange-peel and penny ices. HARCOURTIANA.-Few of us are able to know all the good we do.-Extract from the Harcourt MS. OLD PODLER'S PREDICTIONS FOR 1894. May. It is not OLD PODLER's desire to croak-far from it! but. the more he looks at the planets for this month, the less he likes them. The opposition of the Sun with Uranus is fraught with evil for Peckham Rye. There will be a serious outbreak of blackbeetles at Balham, Bermondsey, and Brixton. Saturn afflicts the Editor of Smart Snippets, who, after attempting to poison himself with paste, severs his throat with the fatal shears. About the first week in this month there will be weeping and wailing in Art Circles, and, a little later, the Strand will be overrun with Clergymen, of various theological persuasions, from the country. The 13th is an unfortunate day for Hatters, Haymakers, Harbingers, and Hairdressers; the 12th favourable for Fruiterers and Physicians asking favours. Chimney-sweepers and Christy Minstrels, born on or about the 21st, should avoid females, and keep very quiet. Altogether an anxious month. WEATHER WISDOM. Mild in March and chill in June? IIARCOURTIANA. A MAN who finds no satisfaction in contemplation of himself will seek for it in vain elsewhere.-Extract from Harcourt MS. YES, Corners are snug things-in corn, or in coal, HARCOURTIANA. As I have sometimes remarked to my young friend ASQUITH, it requires no small degree of ability to know how to conceal it.Extract from the Harcourt MS. Nothing is more natural, and at the same time more fallacious, than to believe oneself the most popular man in a legislative assembly.-Extract from Harcourt MS. WEATHER WISDOM. A Mem. in March. A PECK of March dust is worth a king's ransom. OLD PODLER'S PREDICTIONS FOR 1894. June. The conjunction of the Sun with Neptune, and the appearance of Mars in Pisces will disturb the denizens of Holloway, Hammersmith, and Homerton, and produce changes in Chelsea and Canonbury. It is also OLD PODLER'S painful duty to predict disaster in Dulwich, which will most probably assume an entirely unexpected shape. On the second Sunday of this month persons in Society attending Church Parade will be startled by an eccentric exhibition, which will form the subject of considerable comment. The retrogradation of Saturn in Libra causes the duction of a new halfpenny evening paper, of a characteristic and highly peculiar colour, edited by a well-known journalist. pro |