Keeper (to the Captain, who has missed again, and is letting off steam in consequence). "OH DEAR! OH DEAR! IT'S HAWFUL TO SEE YER MISSIN' OF 'EM, SIR; BUT"-(with admiration)-"YE 'RE A SCHOLARD I' LANGWIDGE, SIR!" CRICKET CONGRATULATIONS. 843! Well done! Well played! Well hit! It opens Mr. Punch's eyes a bit To see our friends of the Antipodes Pile up their hundreds with the utmost ease. BRUCE leads the way, and shows Blues-Dark and Light- While five more than a hundred runs are due To TRUMBLE, whom his friends call simply "HUGH." Well played, Australia! Banks may fail-they do, But this at any rate's a clear deduction- are quite right in what you are about to say. I have shown clearly that Mr. G. was at the bottom of the whole business, and he should apologise. Don't you think he'd better be brought in at the Bar? And if he spent a night or two in the Clock Tower it would have most wholesome effect, vindicate dignity of House, and prevent recurrence of these regrettable scenes.' WALROND'S face a study, whilst HAYES FISHER, carried away by enthusiasm of moment, rubbed his hands and smiled in anticipation of the scene. The Opposition Whip had tough job in hand. To FISHER'S logical mind the proposal that he should apologise was a non sequitur. Why, what had he done? As he told House later, seeing LOGAN come up and sit down on bench below him, he thought he was going to strike him. Natural attitude for a man meaning to let out straight from the shoulder at another is to sit down with back turned towards intended victim. FISHER's quick intelligence taking whole situation in at glance, he promptly proceeded to take in as much as his hands would hold of the back of LOGAN's neck, with intent to thrust him forth. That, as he wrote, "began the scrimmage." In other words, Mr. GLADSTONE was responsible for the whole business, even more so than LOGAN, who had wantonly brought the back of his neck within reach of FISHER's hand. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, July 31.-No one who chanced last Thursday to see HAYES FISHER and LOGAN engaged in controversy However, there were reasons of State why the guilty should go on Front Opposition Bench would suspect them of essentially unpunished. Not the first time Innocency has been sacrificed that retiring disposition. This conclusively proved to-night. Decided Guilt might stalk through the land unfettered. FISHER Would on further consideration that something must really be done in apologise; but here again the untameably logical mind asserted direction of modifying effects of Thursday's riot. Someone must itself. LOGAN must apologise first. It was he who had been forcibly apologise. This put to HAYES FISHER, who delighted WALROND ejected. On Thursday night FISHER had come up behind him; with swiftness, even enthusiasm, of acquiescence. argal, he must follow him now. Thus it was settled, or so under"Right you are, dear boy," he cried. "I have thought so from stood. But when critical moment arrived, House waiting for somethe first. Indeed I have publicly placed the matter in its true light. one to speak, hitch occurred. FISHER waited for LOGAN; LOGAN, in Daresay you read my little affidavit written within an hour of what excess of politeness, hung back. Awkward pause. SPEAKER I quite agree with the SPEAKER in alluding to as 'the regrettable observed he had certainly understood something might be said by Here's what I said: To put a stop to his (LOGAN'S) the two gentlemen. Another pause. LOGAN and FISHER eyed each aggressive conduct, I immediately seized him by the neck and other across the floor. forcibly ejected him on to the floor of the House. That began the scrimmage.' Then I go on to point the moral, though indeed it points itself. This is where you and I particularly agree. In my opinion the responsibility for the discreditable scene rests even more with Mr. GLADSTONE than with Mr. LOGAN.' Yes, WALROND, you incident. Lord CHATHAM, with his sword drawn, At length PRINCE ARTHUR interposed; gently, but firmly, drew Another Injustice to Ireland. expended its malignity when PRINCE ARTHUR deprived him of his breeches. Now JOSEPH has appropriated his dinner-table. The lynx eye of BARTLEY detected the irregularity which disclosed existence of this fresh outrage. BARTLEY favourably known in House as guardian of its honour and dignity. From time to time spirit moves him suddenly to rise and point fat forefinger at astonished Mr. G., whom he has discovered in some fresh design upon stability of the Empire or symmetry of the Constitution. At stated hours, formerly on Thursdays ten o'clock now generally on stroke of midnight, he is seen and heard shouting " Gag! gag! "Odd," says Member for Sark, "how phrases change in similar circumstances though at different epochs. When Closure first invented, put in motion by dear OLD MORALITY, and supported by BARTLEY, HANBURY, JIMMY LOWTHER, and the rest, it used to be spoken resentfully of as 'pouncing.' Now it is 'gagging.' But it is precisely the same, inasmuch as the minority of the day, against whom it is enforced, denounce it as iniquitous, whilst the majority, who took that view when they were on other side of House, now regard it as indispensable to conduct of public business. BARTLEY having lived through both epochs is useful illustration of this tendency. When OLD MORALITY pounced on Irish members his lusty shout of approval used to echo through House with only less volume than now his roar of anguish goes up to glass roof when OLD MORALITY's original thumbscrews are fitted on him and his friends. A quaint, mad world, my TOBY." To-night BARTLEY not so well-informed on subject as usual. Thought it was JOHN DILLON, who, acting the part of AMPHITRYON, piloted his guests within preserves of members' private dining-room. Turned out it wasn't DILLON at all, but WILLIAM O'BRIEN, who in most tragic manner tells how, having secured in advance a table for his guests, found when the dinner-hour struck JOSEPH and his Brethren seated thereat, merrily profiting by his forethought. Straightway O'BRIEN led his guests to the table in members' room which Unionist Leaders have marked for their own. This he appropriated, and there, regardless of surprised looks from ex-ministers at adjoining table, he truculently dined. 66 Well, at any rate," said TIM HEALY, that Man of Peace, "I'm glad it wasn't mere English or Orangemen who were thus treated. If JOSEPH had appropriated SAUNDERSON's table, the Colonel would have taken him in his arms, dropped him outside on the Terrace, and, returning to his seat, ordered a fresh plate of soup." Business done.-BARTLEY adds fresh dignity to Parliamentary debate. the almanack this is so; according to appearances an eternity and a hemisphere divide the two scenes. In Committee on Vote on Account; average attendance from twenty to thirty. Orders bristle with amendments; papers read in support of them; occasionally a Member follows with observations on topic suggested; sometimes he doesn't; then next gentleman who has prepared paper takes the floor; the audience turns over; goes to sleep again; wakened by Chairman putting question "that Amendment be withdrawn." Isn't even vigour sufficient to induce a division. Only person free from somnolent influence of hour is Mr. G. Has nothing to do in this galley; looks on wistfully whilst LOWTHER (not JIMMY) talks about Vitu and the Pamirs; JIMMY (lui même) is sarcastic on subject of Board of Trade engaging in experiments in journalism; and DICKY TEMPLE wants to know all about reported modifications in constitution of St. Paul's School by the Charity Commissioners. Mr. G. liked to have offered few remarks on one or all these subjects. TOMMY BOWLES nearly succeeded in drawing him. Dropping lightly out of Siam, via Morocco, upon question of Collisions at Sea, TOMMY brought MUNDELLA into full focus and fairly floored him with a problem. "Suppose," he said, "the right hon. gentleman were at sea, and the whole fleet bore down upon him on the weather bow. What would he do?" MUNDELLA nonplussed. Mr. G. knew all about it; would have answered right off and probably silenced even TOMMY with proposition of counter manoeuvre. But MARJORIBANKS kept relentless eye on him. Vote on Account must be got through Committee to-night. The less speaking the better; so with profound sigh Mr. G. resisted the temptation and composed himself to listen to LENG's paper on the prohibition of importation of live cattle from Canada. Here was opportunity of learning something which Mr. G. gratefully welcomed. Gradually, as the new knight went on reading extract after extract in level voice, remorselessly deliberate, Mr. G.'s eyes closed, his head drooped, and in full view of the crowded Strangers' Gallery he fell into peaceful, childlike slumber, Business done. Vote on Account passed Committee. Friday.-Morning sitting devoted to miscellaneous talk around Ireland. Evening, a long STOREY about iniquities of House of Lords. The evening and the morning a dull day. Had time to look over Mr. G.'s letter about retention of Irish Members. "What do you think of it?" I asked the Member for Sark. "Haven't read it," he said. When I saw it was a column long, I knew 66 Reading the G. O. M. to sleep. : Mr. G. didn't want to say anything that would be understood. Thursday.-Was it this day week the House was in volcanic up- FRANCE AND SIAM.-The situation at Bangkok will probably POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG. "BLAZY BILL; OR, THE BICYCLE CAD." "THE churl in nature up and down" is perennial and ubiquitous. Like the god Vishnu, he has many avatars. Every new development of popular pastime (for instance) developes its own particular species of "Cad." LEECH'S "Galloping Snob" of a quarter of a century ago has been succeeded by that Jehu of the "Bike," the Cycling Cad, to whose endearing manners and customs in the Queen's highway, and elsewhere, the long-suffering pedestrian is persuaded a laggard Law will shortly have to find its attention urgently directed. Mr. Punch, who is of the same opinion, adapts Mr. HARRY DACRE's popular song to what he is convinced will be a popular purpose. AT THE SEASIDE CHURCH PARADE. (A Conversation à la Mode.) He. So very glad to see you. (Aside.) Hope she won't shut me up, she's so sharp! She. Quite pleased to have met. (Aside.) Can't stand much of him, he's so stupid! He. I suppose when you were in town you went to the Academy? She. Yes, and saw all the pictures-and didn't like them. He. And went to the Opera? She. Yes, every night-and am tired of talking about it. He. And of course you went to Henley ? She. Yes, and to the Eton and Harrow Match, and to Ascot, and to Wimbledon to see the Lawn Tennis finals. He. But perhaps you never went to the House of Commons? She. Oh, yes, I did-on the Terrace, and also to the Ladies' Gallery. The rows were most amusing-saw them all. He. And did you go to many parties? She. To every party of any consequence, and all the really nice dinners. He. Were you at the Royal Wedding? She. Oh, don't talk of that. The subject is quite exhausted. (After a pause.) Pray, have you no conversation? He. Well, I don't know. I suppose you went to church this morning, and heard the Dean preach ? She. Oh, I really must beg your pardon. If you can't find anything better to talk about on a Sunday than the points of a sermon you had far better say nothing at all. [Scene closes in upon an unbroken silence. |