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THE LILLY'S LESSON.-Mr. LILLY, in the New Review, reminds DIVES that "there is no excuse for riches which are divorced from public obligation." This cuts deeply! Possibly DIVES would retort upon the author of "Shibboleths" that riches require no 'excuse." At any rate we do not often find men making excuses for being rich, though apologies for poverty are common enough. All the same, Mr. Punch would strongly recommend DIVES-especially at this festive season-to" sider the (W. 8.) LILLY"!

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"A LONG BREAK." — À propos of our picture in last week's issue, we have received the following suggestion:"Sir, if MR. GLADSTONE, the great billiard player, wishes to continue his long break,' wouldn't it be advisable for him to take a rest.'-Yours truly, BREAKERS A. HEAD."

AT THE COURTS OF JUSTICE.

First Litigant. "I'M BANKRUPTCY. WHAT ARE YOU?"
Second L. "I'M DIVORCE."

First L. "THEN YOU STAND LUNCH!"

"AFTER THE BALL" IN PARIS. india-rubber, with a hole in the centre,

SEASONABLE REFLECTION.

(By an Old Fogey.)

WE are hearing a lot of "the
Buffer State";

Faith! it comes to us all-
after Forty-eight!

When from gout, and the pretty girls' scorn, we suffer, We have all arrived at the state of the "Buffer."

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"FOR THIS RELIEF-MUCH THANKS." Shakspeare. - A correspondent in the Pall Mall Gazette recently complained of the disappearance of "Thank you," and the substitution of Thanks" and "Thanks awfully." Why not? It is but a revival of the ancient Latin form" gratias,' and surely plural Thanks " indicates indefinitely more thankfulness than an uneffusive, frigid, singular "Thank you," signifying "I thank you." Let us be Shakspearianly classical, as in the quotation above given, and say " Much thanks." So again, "I am poor in thanksbut I thank you." Here the relative value of the plural and the singular in thanks is well brought out.

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so that it shall collapse without causing A WINDY CORNER AT BRIGHTON.

(By an Impressionist.)

Makes moan.

MY DEAR MONS. PUNCH,-I am delighted! injury. I am overjoyed! Why, your Oxford College 6. No game of "kic bal" to last more than has accepted the challenge of our Racing five minutes, and after every game a pause OLD lady first, with hair like winter snows, Club to play a game of kic bal this month of one hour to be permitted, so that the of December! It is good! It is very good players may have necessary rest and proper And struggles. Then, with cheeks too richly indeed! It makes cold, so I can not go for to refreshment. see the sport.

But permit me, I would propose these rules in the cause of humanity, for the sake of civilisation. I give them below. They are not many :

Proposed Rules for "le jeu de kic bal"
between Oxford College and Racing Club.
1. No kickers to approach closer to one
another than six yards distance.

2. The scrimmage to be interdicted. Sergent de ville to be on guard on the ground to prevent assaults even of the most trifling character.

3. Boots not to be worn, but dancingpumps.

4. The players to wear fur-lined coats, and to take arm-chairs on the ground for their comfort.

5. The "kic bal" to be made of inflated

And yet one more suggestion. But this shall not be a rule but only an offering. I make you a present of the idea-so charming as a compliment of the season. Let the goals be made of Christmas-trees, let the

rose,
Gold hair, new

nose;

And skin; an

those

A crone,

teeth, white powder on her All bone

"Ancient Mystery," like

Then comes a girl;
glows!

kickers" be covered with holly and mistle-
toe (like your Jack-in-the-Green"), and The neat cloth gown
instead of a brutal, rough, hard, uncomfort-
able globe of leather, let the "kic bal" be a In lines of beauty.
veritable plum pudding!

Your hand! I wish you "Joking Christ-
mas Amiable New Year." Your friend-and
brother, "gentlemans ridere,"
Paris in December.

(Signed) JULES.

NEWS FROM MONTE CARLO.-Mr. J-HN M-RL-Y is, we are glad to hear, much better. Rouge gagne.

Of HONE.
sweet face that freshly
Well grown.
her supple figure shows,
Now thrown

Last, in graceless pose,
Half prone,
A luckless lout, caught by the blast, one

knows
Means oaths; his hat,

I laugh at him, and
there goes

His tone
straight as fly crows,
Has flown.
Hi! By Jove,
My own!

MOTTO FOR LADY CHAMPAGNE DRINKERS. "Sweetness and light!"

THE BLUE BELLES OF

SCOTLAND.

(Latest prose version from the Modern Athens.)

SCENE-A Dressing room.
TIME-The Present. CHA-
RACTERS-4 Mistress and her
Maid.

Mistress. Now then, MARY, you really must make haste or I shall not be in time. Have you got my latest bonnet from Paris?

Maid. Yes, Madam. I told JOHN to put the foot-warmer and the carriage rug in the brougham.

Mistress. Quite right; and now have you got my fan? Maid. Yes, Madam, and I suppose you will want your opera-glasses ?

Mistress. Naturally; how could I see anything distinctly without them? There is sure to be such a crowd. And, by the way. have you got me a packet of literature ?

Three

Maid. Yes, Madam. novels, and all the illustrated papers.

Mistress. If there are many delays I shall be able to pass the time pleasantly. And the luncheon basket ?

Maid. Yes, M'm Cold fowl, flask of sherry, some celery, a pound cake, knives, forks, glasses, plates, salt, mustard, bread, and a bottle of sodawater. Is there anything else?

A QUESTION OF THE SENSES.

Mistress. Well, perhaps I might carry in my muff my pocket camera. 'Tis just possible I may be able to get a snap-shot at the principal character. (Enters the carriage.) Second C. C. (delicately sniffing). "INDEED, SIR POMPEY? CAN'T SAY You haven't given me my special AS I PERCEIVE ANYTHINK AMISS, MYSELF; AND MY NOSE IS PRETTY

ticket

First County Councillor. "I'M TOLD THE ACOUSTICS OF THIS HALL
LEAVE MUCH TO BE DESIRED, MR. BROWN!"

SHARP, TOO!"

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

Maid. Here it is, Madam. Shall I tell JOHN to drive to the Concert-room?

Mistress. No, no.

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Tell him

to take me to the Court. I am going to assist at a trial for murder!

SEASONABLE SAYINGS.

THERE is many a slip between the house and the church on a frosty morning.

You cannot make a respectable tradesman out of a grocer who offers tips to a working-housekeeper.

You may take a dustman's token to a stingy man's portal, but you can't get him to give you a Christmas-box.

A dun in need is a county court indeed.

It is a long dinner that has no earning.

People who live in glass houses should not throw away their coke and coals.

Deal with the Stores and the private accounts will look after themselves.

A penny saved by avoiding an omnibus is a florin lost by taking a Hansom cab.

A single swallow never represents a family Christmas dinner. Enough is often dearer than a feast, especially if you take the last at the house of a friend.

Send an acquaintance an old card about Christmas on Boxing Day, and he will return you a second-hand greeting on the 2nd of January anent the New Year.

Give credit at Christmas and you will find you still have money owing to you at Easter.

Christmas comes but once a year, and bores for the length of a century.

less industry, sound judgment, wide knowledge of affairs, and has, withal, an old-fashioned courtesy of manner not too common in these EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. days. Still, as I say, when I watch him addressing the SPEAKER House of Commons, Monday, December 11.-Remarkable testi- the parrot's epitaph haunts my memory." mony to catholicity of DICKY TEMPLE'S mind that he should just Business done. Clause XIII. added to Parish Councils Bill. now have been talking about Siam. Various other topics to the Tuesday.-To-night DON'T KEIR HARDIE, having left hands and fore. The Featherstone inquiry; Matabeleland, in which the SAGE face unwashed for an extra day, his hair uncombed for an added OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE takes unfaltering interest; Betterment, week, put on his worst Sunday suit and presented himself to House and, incidentally, the Parish Councils Bill. Only TEMPLE thinks of as model working-man, champion of the unemployed. DON'T KEIR'S remote, unfriended, solitary Siam. Wants to know when papers misfortune is that he has not succeeded in recommending himself to including most recent correspondence will be published ? EDWARD good opinion of other Labour Members. When he moves in House GREY taken at a disadvantage. Wasn't thinking of Siam. Just they move off; consequence is he is left to support of aristocrats been looking up map to find out precise situation of Kilia mouth of above the gangway. They don't particularly admire DON'T KEIR, the Danube. CAP'EN TOMMY BOWLES been, so to speak, jumping his ways or his cause. But, as TOMLINSON says, under impression down it. Suspects the CZAR of iniquitous intention in this part he is quoting from SYDNEY SMITH, "any stick will do to beat a dog of the world. CZAR evidently thought the CAP'EN, being intent on with." If DON'T KETE moves Adjournment, and best part of night the education of MUNDELLA in nautical affairs, would not have time can be taken for making speeches, so much delay is interposed in to keep an eye on the Kilia mouth of the Danube. CZAR knows better way of Parish Councils Bill, and by so much is chance bettered of now. So does EDWARD GREY. Spent quite an interesting quarter Government failing in their intention of passing the whole Bill. of an hour with the map, and came at last upon this particular outlet. Just congratulating himself that, as a rule, British rivers have only one mouth, when TEMPLE sprang Siam upon him. "Do you know," said Member for Sark, looking admiringly at the great historiographer of Parliament, "I never see TEMPLE on his legs but I think of OVID's epitaph on the parrot. You remember how it runs in English?

'I please the fair. So much this stone doth tell.

What more? I talked, and, for a bird, talked well.'

"I have a theory, which, if you had time, I would illustrate by half-a-dozen examples taken on glancing round the House, that three out of five human faces have a strong resemblance to some particular bird. Not that I mean to say TEMPLE's like a parrot, except of course inasmuch as he pleases the fair. He is a man of tire

Therefore, though other Labour candidates will have nothing to do with DON'T KEIR, there are four hours talk, an odd quarter of an hour added for a division, and thirty-three Members, chiefly belonging to the Gentlemen of England, going into Lobby with the Leader whom RoWLANDS distantly alludes to as "The hon. Member for West Am," cunningly conveying by inflection of voice the impression that the cut is from a hopelessly inferior part.

Debate, on the whole, patchy, with hopeless air of unreality about it. Nevertheless, worth having, if it were only for speech of PRINCE ARTHUR. A scholarly philosophic deliverance, striking unaccustomed note in Parliamentary debate. Pity Mr. G. wasn't there to hear it. Or perhaps it isn't a pity. If he had been, he would have found the temptation to reply irresistible; at least another half hour would have been wasted.

Business done.-Reached Clause XVI. Parish Councils Bill.

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LIKA JOKO'S JOTTINGS.-No. 6. A FOOTBALL MATCH.

Thursday.-Spirits of good Ministerialists a little damped by His clarion voice cleared air of doubt and perplexity. Minispersistent and successful tactics of Opposition. As JESSE COLLINGS terialists elate; Opposition correspondingly cowed; the way quite said just now, with tears in his eyes, they are anxious, above all clear now for victory; only sit tight; to importunity present imthings, to see Parish Councils Bill added to Statute Book. Only perturbability: let Opposition once know that, thanks to fidelity they won't let it pass. Twentieth night in Committee; still not and self-sacrifice of Liberal Members, House will sit till Bill is half way through Bill as Clauses count. Been sitting on Satur- passed, and obstruction will collapse. days; shall have Christmas holidays cut down to 25th and Boxing Day: then begin again, with prospect of more drudgery, and, when Bill through, and prorogation possible, the new Session

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of 1894, young, fresh, and lusty, waiting to be waltzed with. An infant in arms, looking in on House from peep-hole by glass door, and finding TAY PAY on his legs denouncing the Opposition, is deeply impressed.

Later, at period of apparent collapse HALDANE happily appears on scene. Not a man habitually prone to enthusiasm. No sign on his placid visage of storm-swept soul. Circumstances sometimes stronger than man. To-day they break away the icy barriers of lethargic habit. HALDANE, unexpectedly rising from behind the harassed PREMIER, calls upon him to stand firm, resisting all temptations to surrender. 'Stage of situation reached," he said, amid ringing cheers, "when we should not halt, much less retire, but should press forward to the goal. Ministers," he added, sternly regarding back of SQUIRE OF MALWOOD's head, "would be betraying their trust if they flinched by one hair's breadth from the declarations they have made."

66

THE COUNTY COUNCIL'S PROGRESSIVE PROGRAMME. RISE at seven. Called by public bell rung at the nearest firebrigade station. Light gas supplied from the Council's works at Beckton. Drink glass of cold water from Council's new reservoir in the Kennet Valley. Hurriedly slip into clothes made by gentlemen working an eight hours day at not less than sixpence an hour.

HALDANE had saved the citadel; the rout of the besiegers only a matter of time.

An hour later WALTER LONG got up and mentioned interesting circumstance that HALDANE, whilst thus heroically inciting Ministers and the rest to hold on. had made arrangements whereby he himself would agreeably spend Christmastide in comfortable country quarters; had even extended his holiday up to 10th of January, when resumption of sittings of court would bring him back to town for private business. Many inquiries on Ministerial benches for HALDANE. Seemed to be general desire to say something to him. But he had judiciously retired from scene.

Business done.-Another motion for Adjournment. In smaller half of sitting left for business, Clause XVIII. of Parish Councils Bill reached.

Friday.-Everyone grieved to hear that SPEAKER has temporarily lost use of voice. Been absent from Chair since Tuesday. "How inscrutable are the ways of Providence," says the Member for Sark. "There epidemic would be a public service. Yet these escape, and only the are so many quarters of the House where the outbreak of such an Chair is attacked."

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Sir Richard Parrot.

atmosphere of the place, the tone of debate, are altered when his The House can ill spare the SPEAKER, even for a day. The whole stately presence and commanding influence are withdrawn. Still, talk must go on, and there has been no lack of it to-night. But everyone is wearied to death of the monotony and reiteration. As only alternative, one would rather have a parish funeral than another PRINCE ARTHUR says in a moment of confidence, "If it were the Parish Councils Bill."

Business done.-Nothing worth speaking of.

driver, conductor, and horses (all tramways absorbed), and then a penny Council steamer (Thames Conservancy and Steamboat Companies absorbed), and, having landed at St. Paul's Pier, trip over a hole in the road. Bring action against Council for damaged ankle. (N.B. Lost it later on. Council not liable for non-reparation of holes.)

At the Guildhall, find Labour Arbitration Court sitting. City and County been amalgamated, huge coalheavers, dockers, and others occupy seats of city fathers. Police outside useless. Their helmets and truncheons in British Museum as relics of Barbarous Age.

Fish for breakfast bought at Council's Billingsgate Market: eggs from Council's hens (warranted very fresh); also fruit from Covent Garden sold by Council's salesmen. We keep no servants, being Having business at a suburban town I hire cab (Council now obliged to use their wages to pay rates. Compelled to open Number 23,351) and drive to Liverpool Street. The progressive the front door myself. Surveyor of Chimneys, acting on instructions members have bought up Great Eastern Railway within the (received from sweep), calls to examine flues. Reports them foul, and county's boundaries, and are working it on their own system-one notes me in his summons book. Council's revenue inspector class for all, penny fare, and no return ticket. The guards, ticket(Inland Revenue absorbed) peeping through half-opened breakfast-collectors, porters, and others civil enough, but no trains running, in room door, spies what my children call "a duck on stilts" engraved consequence of great strike having occurred amongst Council's engineon a fork. Reports me at once for not having a license to use armorial drivers and the difficulty is just being settled by arbitration at bearings. Find in letter-box notice of compulsory purchase by Guildhall. The men had struck for want of work and a general Council for "allotment purposes "of a choice piece of land belonging desire for "betterment." Thoughtfully walked back to the office, to me just on border of county. Am privately informed that and arrived just in time to find an official poring over my ledger. Radical Labourers' League have moved half-a-dozen good-fornothing drunken chaps to apply for allotments! Mine is the only land that will suit them, and they intend to take it whether I like it or no.

He hands me his card, "Mr. INQUISITOR, Spring Gardens." Somerset House being absorbed, he says he "has just called to ascertain exactly what my income really is," and though I am perfectly civil (under pains and penalties of "civility bye-laws"), he tells me I must be "put up" next year. He departs, leaving front door open.

Just starting for the City, when Council's Architect calls, to draw my attention to a sky-sign insufficiently secured to an upper window. It turned out to be eldest boy's socks, hung there to dry. as Got a cup of tea, very poor stuff, at the L. C. C. Restaurant. we have now to wash at home, or send to the Council's laundries Walk home. No gas in streets, and the Electric Light (lately which are relief-works for those usually unemployed in winter. absorbed) gone out. Reached home very weary. Find on table Other casuals have turned barbers. I am shaved by one every demand-notes for Poor, Police, Sewers, School Board, Highways, morning, after slipping the coppers into a County Council Gas, Electric Light, Baths, Sanitary, Insanitary, Asylum, Water, "detector," which gives no change. In street, find the pavement Railway, Cab, Theatre, Market, Sky Sign, Bar and Gates, Tramway, up, unemployed" engaged in moving "immovable objects by Prisons, Restaurants, Arbitration, Establishment, Thames Conserirresistible force," ie., a frozen road, at three shillings per cube vancy. Submerged Tenth, and many other rates. Is life worth foot; Council their own contractors. Tram at last, with Council- living? Ask the L. C. C.

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