Young Sportsman (to his small nephew, the Parson's son). "HELLO! JIMMIE! WHY DON'T YOU COME OUT ON THE PONY? YOU'LL NEVER BE A MAN IF YOU DON'T HUNT." Jimmie. "Now LISTEN TO THAT, MOTHER! THERE'S UNCLE JACK SAYS I SHALL NEVER BE A MAN IF I DON'T. THERE'S FATHER SAYS IT'S CRUELTY IF I DO. THEN OLD JOHN SAYS I SHOULD BE LAMING THE PONY; AND YOU SAY THE PONY WOULD BE LAMING ME! WHAT AM I TO DO!" "A SINGLE-HANDED RUN." ["It is interesting to watch the methods of obstruction. ... Progress (with the Parish Councils Bili) has been slow enough, but it is impeded with an artfulness which indicates a certain division of labour among the different sections of the Unionist army. The first section includes the Liberal Unionists, whose rôle is.... to take no overt part in the game of mere talkativeness; the second is the official Tories, who mostly hate the Bill ..... and lose no opportunity of expressing a guarded but thoroughly sincere distrust of every portion of it; the third section consists of the go-as-you-please Lowtherites-the mere guerillas, who are allowed to obstruct as much and as long as they please."-" House and Lobby" in the "Daily Chronicle."] (Rough, and rather amateurish, reporter's mems. picked up on the St. Stephen's Football Grounds during the progress of the big match, Midlothian United v. Unionists. See illustration, p. 266.) homesters' territory. Later, game of very equal character, each FOOTBALL at St. Stephen's looking up! Fine exponents of the Rugby game. Strong combinations, Midlothian United and Later BowLES, TOMLINSON, STANLEY LEIGHTON, LOWTHER, "Unionists" met to decide great-postponed-fixture. Though and HANBURY, were very active for the Unionists." though weather favourable, failed somehow to attract the large crowd one or two of them seemed sometimes" within measurable distance" usual at matches between these two sides" of far-famed amateurs. of being pulled up for fouls. COLLINGS once made tracks but failed Enthusiastic followers of the game, however, who turned up to pass RIGBY, who throughout played a sound game at back for the in adequate numbers, rewarded by sight of good, if slow and Midlothianites. Not to be denied, the Unionists" again advanced unexciting game. Both sides well represented, and the homesters, who won the toss, played first half from pavilion end of ground, having wind, which was blowing across ground, a trifle in their favour. "Midlothian United," famous team, better known as "GLADSTONE'S Men," play well together, and are strong lot, though less speedy perhaps than their opponents. "Unionists" indeed (made up from two admirable teams at one time opponents) an extremely clever, not to say artful, combination. As pick of anciently opposed sides, wonderful how well they are together, and how unselfishly they play the game. "Midlothian United" team (which has undergone numerous changes of late) also fairly well together, and admirably captain'd. From kick-off, ball was well returned, and play settled down in to the attack, LONG and LEIGHTON especially being conspicuous. FOWLER deprived latter, but BALFOUR and CHAMBERLAIN rushing up relieved. Fast and even play then became order, the ball being taken from one end of ground to other with great rapidity. FOWLER broke up a determined attack by "Unionists." From a hot scrum he got possession, and put in a fine single-handed run right down centre of ground, closely pursued by those determined tacklers, BALFOUR, JAMES, GOSCHEN, and the redoubtable Brum, when [Here the reporter's mems. abruptly terminate, and it is presumed they were dropped-actually or metaphorically-by the evidently amateur scribe. DIABOLUS EX MACHINA.-Dynamiting Anarchism. Mrs. Toovey (in a rapid whisper). Not here, PHOEBE! Show her into the study-anywhere. Say I'll come! Phoebe. She said she hadn't time to come in, m'm; she left her compliments, and just called to let you know the Banana Meeting will be next Friday. And oh, if you please, m'm, I wished to ask you about that dress you wore last Saturday. I've tried everything, and I can't get the smell of tobaccer out of it, do what I will, m'm. (To herself.) That'll teach her not to accuse me of hiding followers downstairs! Althea (to herself). Mine had to be left all night in a thorough draught. Where could Mamma have been, unless-? Mrs. Toov. (with dignity). I came home in a smoky cab, and you know perfectly well this is not the place to ask me such questions. Leave the room! Phoebe (to herself, as she leaves). A smoky cab indeed! There's no smoke without fire-as Master will find out before long! Charles. Had your cabman been giving a smoking party inside his fourwheeler, or what, Aunt? Mrs. Toov. I don't-yes, I believe he had. He apologised for it; it-it was his birthday. (To herself.) Oh, dear me, what makes me tell these dreadful stories ? Mr.Toovey. His birthday! Why, if you remember. CORNELIA, you said the man had been drinking. That would account for it! But did I understand there was to be another Zenana Meeting, my love? That seems rather soon, does it not, after having one only last Saturday! Mrs. Toov. (to herself). I must go on, or he'll suspect something. (Aloud, severely.) And why not, Pa-pray, why not? You know what an energetic creature Mrs. CUMBERBATCH is! Can we do too much for those poor benighted heathen women? And there was a great deal that we had to leave unfinished the other evening. Mr. Toov. Dear me, and you were home so late, too! Mrs. Toov. Perhaps you disbelieve my word, Pa? If you do, say so, and I shall know what to think! Though what I've done to deserve such suspicion future. (To Mr. T.) I appeal to you, Sir. You had no objection before; what can you have now? [Mr. T. opens his lips inaudibly. Mrs. Toov. Tell him, Pa, that in the circle in which we move, the remotest connection with-with a music-hall would be justly considered as an indelible disgrace. Charles (sotto voce). No, hang it, Uncle! It's no business of mine, and I'm not going to shove my oar in; but still you know as well as I do that you can't decently take that line, whatever Aunt may do! Mrs. Toov. I heard you, CHARLES. So, Pa, there is something you have been hiding from me? I felt positive there was some mystery about that box. Now I will know it. ALTHEA, leave us! Mr. Toov. There is nothing she had better not hear-now, my love. It-it's true I would rather have kept it from you, but I'd better tell you-I'd better tell you. The fact is that, without being in the least aware of it-I was under the impression I was investing in a gold-mine-I-I became the proprietor of several shares in the Eldorado Music-hall. Curph. (surprised). You, Sir! you were a shareholder all the time! Is it possible? Mr. Toov. (bewildered). Why, but you knew! I consulted you at the Junction about whether I ought to retain the shares or not, and you advised me to go and judge for myself! Curph. I assure you I thought we were talking about my connection with the Eldorado, not yours. Mrs. Toov. So, Pa, by your own story you found yourself in possession of those horrible wicked shares, and you actually hesitated what to do! You considered it necessary to-to visit the scene! Mr. Toov. Indeed, I never actually went, my love. And-and Mr. CURPHEW assured me the establishment was quite respectably conducted, under the supervision of the London County Council; and then there was the dividend-seventy per cent. on only five hundred pounds-three hundred and fifty a year, CORNELIA; it-it seemed a pity to give it up! Mrs. Toov. (to herself, impressed). Three hundred and fifty a year! Why we can keep our carriage on it! (Aloud.) Well, Pa, of course-as you bought the shares under a misapprehensionand I'm bound to say this for the Eldorado, that there was nothing positively objectionable in the performance so far as I could-(correcting herself hastily)-have ever been given to understand-why, I'm the last to blame you. Mr. Toov. (overjoyed). Ah, my dear love! I scarcely dared to hope for this leniency. But I never would have gone-oh, never. Why, "Well, Ma'am, this is the last place I expected to find you in!" I could never have looked you in the face again if I had! Hem, the wife of Mrs. Toov. (with a twinge). That depends, Pa; it is quite possible to go to such places, and yet Mr. Toov. astounded). My own love, I never for one single momentCæsar is above suspicion. Mrs. Toov. (with relief). I should hope so, THEOPHILUS; not that you are Cæsar-but there, that is enough of a very painful subject. Let us say no more about it. Curphew (to himself). I'm more certain every moment that this immaculate matron is lying like a prospectus, but what can I do? I've no proof, and if I had, I couldn't bring myself to- Well, I must wait, that's all. Mrs. Toov. What I should like to know is, why Mr. CURPHEW still remains here after we have distinctly informed him that we do not desire his farther acquaintance ? Curph. Before I go, let me say this: that I have no intention of giving up your daughter until she gives up me. I am in a position to marry and support her, and if you refuse your consent, you will only reduce us to the painful necessity of doing without it. [ALTHEA intimates her entire acquiescence in this ultimatum. Mrs. Toov. We will never consent to give our daughter to a notorious music-hall singer-never! Curph. That objection is easily met. I am no longer a music-hall singer. I have left the profession for ever; not that I consider it any disgrace to belong to it, but I prefer to live by my pen in Mr. Toov. Yes, but you see I didn't go, my dear. I found I couldn't really bring myself to visit it when it came to the point, so I went to call on LARKINS instead, as it was on his advice I had taken the shares, and I told him my difficulty, and he quite sympathised with my scruples, and most good-naturedly offered to take them off my hands. Mrs. Toov. But surely, THEOPHILUS, you never gave up three hundred and fifty a year without so much as consulting Me! Charles. You can't count on such dividends as a certainty, you know, Aunt, and I've no doubt Uncle got rid of them at a very good figure; they've been going up like sky-rockets! Mrs. Toov. (mollified). Of course if your Uncle did that, IMr. Toov. Well, you see, my love, CHARLES very properly pointed out to me that there was no moral difference between that and keeping the shares, and-and LARKINS took the same view himself; so (I'm sure, CORNELIA, you will consider I have only done what was my strict duty!) I agreed to surrender the shares for just what I paid for them-five hundred pounds-and my conscience is clear. Mrs. Toov. If it's no clearer than your head, Pa- I never heard of such downright Quixotism! As if you could be held responsible; as if anyone here need know! I call it folly-sheer ruinous folly! Phoebe (opening the door-to Mr. T.). A young gentleman to see you, Sir; says he comes from Mr. LARKINS, with a paper to be filled up. I've shown him into the study, Sir. Mr. Toov. Ah, to be sure, yes; tell him I'll come. (To Mrs. T.) It's about those shares; LARKINS said he would send a clerk down to complete the transfer. Mrs. Toov. So it isn't completed yet? Mr. LARKINS has been trving to get the better of you, Pa; but it's not too late, fortunately. (To PHEBE.) Show the young man in here. I wish to see him about this business. (As PHOEBE goes.) I shall insist on the fair market value of the shares being paid before you put your signature to any document whatever; leave this entirely to me, Pa. I think I shall be a match for any young Phoebe (returning). Mr. JANNAWAY. Mr. Jann. (to Mr. TooVEY). From Mr. LARKINS, Sir. Brought a transfer-deed for your signature. Mrs. Toov. (to herself). Gracious goodness! It's the man whose ears I boxed at the Eldorado! What shall I do? [She seizes the current number of "The Quiver," and retires behind it. THE TYRANNY OF THE UNSUITABLE. (A Fragmentary Christmas Tragedy.) pre Alth. (to herself). He's awfully like the young man in that box on Saturday! If Mamma really was there! (She glances at Mrs. T.. in whose hands "The Quiver" is rustling audibly.) Ah, then I wasn't mistaken. Oh, how dreadful if he should recognise her! Mr. Toov. My signature? Yes, yes, yes, to be sure, just so; but the fact is, I-I've been thinking over the matter, and-and-but that lady by the window will explain my views. Mrs. Toov. (in a muffled voice, from behind "The Quiver "). I-I shall do nothing of the sort. I-I'm busy. Sign whatever the young man wants, Pa, and don't bother me about it! Mr. Jann. (to himself). That's rum. Where have I heard that voice? And Pa," too! Very rum! Mr. Toov. Oh, very well, my love; I only thought-but I'll sign. I'll sign. Only, I rather fancy you're sitting just in front of the writing materials, my dear. Alloacherously 66 Mr. Jann. (gallantly). Allow me! (He goes towards Mrs. T.'s chair. The Quiver" treacherously collapses at the critical moment; their eyes meet.) Well, ma'am, this is the last place I expected to find you in; after 'unting for you the entire Sunday afternoon all over Upper Tooting, too! [General sensation. Tableau. END OF SCENE XVIII. green and yellow, framed in blazing gold, and said we ought to hang them in the hall. Our hall is Japanese; we'd left six spaces for kakemonos of subdued design, and there we had to hang those oleographs. I loathe our hall-I never enter it-I come round always by the garden door! Woman, you madden me! You'll mention next the hated name of Cousin ICHABOD! Mrs. D. C. I was about to. The atmosphere of the chamber is heavy with a portentous sense of paralysing dread; the fire cowers in the grate, cold at Mr. D. C. Cousin ICHABOD presented to me, fifteen years ago, a its very heart; the gas-flame pair of silver brushes. At the time I had but little hair; that very shudders with a shuddering not year I lost the rest. Still those accursed brushes mockingly gibber caused by water in the pipes. on my dressing-table. They must be there, for Cousin ICHABOD Mr. DREDFERLEY CORNERD, drops in at unexpected moments! Once I hurled them from the seated in his arm-chair, glares window. One of them caught ICHABOD, approaching up the path, at his newspaper with over the eye, and raised a livid bump. I writhe with detestation of his name. occupied and unreceptive eye; Would that that brush- Unhand me, MARY-ANN; while ever and again his hand see, I am calm. For years have thoughtless friends encumbered us passes nervously over his care- with Christmas presents quite unsuited to our tastes and our relined brow. Mrs. DREDFERLEY quirements. What do we want with seven berceaunettes (our CORNERD glances furtively at children being two), with fifteen inkstands, with twenty biscuit him through the perforations of boxes, and thirty-five illuminated hanging almanacks? For years her fancy-work, held between we've played the shameless hypocrite, pretending to adore these tremulous fingers; her eye is dilated, while her pale brow is puckered gruesome gifts; and now I bid you mark me, MARY-ANN; I mean by the lines that whisper of prescience of impending calamity. Mr. REVENGE. Yes, let us to the council, and plan what gifts to such DREDFERLEY CORNERD feels that his wife's eye is upon him; he and such; the most unsuitable that we can hit on. Here's strives to avoid her gaze; but, fascinated, yields; and their eyes wedding dresses; sister JANE is sixty and a spinster; I will send PARKER's list, and PORRINGE's, and SPRITELEY'S. Come, here are her a wedding gown-(hysterically) a dozen wedding gowns! Write, MARY-ANN, to PARKER for a dozen. Then JOSEPH. JOSEPH, ha! I have it; JOSEPH goes mad with fright on passing near a dog. To-morrow I will seek the Lost Dogs' Home, and pick out fifty of the savagest-all bloodhounds, mark you! I will drag the pack to JOSEPH's door, and leave them with the maid. And now the JONESES. Silence, MARY-ANN! I do not need cold water on my temples! Shish!" You shall not scream for cook, and You shall not stroke my head, and murmur BLENKINSOP, and GEORGE, and JANE. I'm calm. The JONESES-hurr! Let me get at them! Back-unhand [He swoons. Curtain meet. Mrs. Dredferley Cornerd (huskily). JAMES- Mrs. D. C. JAMES, let us nerve ourselves to it once more! Let us remember DUTY! Come; we will plunge at once into the thick of it. What is JANE to have ? 06 Mr. Dred ferley Cornerd (hurling himself from his chair, his eye ablaze with unspeakable hate). Nothing-a bottle of poison-a dynamite bomb-the cat-o'-nine tails! Hear me, MARY-ANN. One year ago, at this very season that brings this haunting, maddening torture of the selection of Christmas presents, my sister JANE sent me! Ha!us that ormolu clock which at this very moment glares upon us from that mantel-piece! I loathe ormolu. Had we not laboured and struggled, you and I, to furnish this, our dining-room, in perfect taste, all in old oak and Flemish pottery. Then, in the very moment of our triumph, arrived that loathsome clock of ormolu, and crushed our whole design! It had to go there, lest we gave offence. I hate my sister JANE! Mrs. D. C. Well. let us, for the moment, then, dismiss your sister JANE. Now what are we to give to JOSEPH ? Mr. D. C. MARY-ANN, I loathe that man! Well knowing how I hated summer-houses-abominations filled with creeping horrors-he gave me one just seven years ago. It makes our garden hideous to this day; I will not speak of him Mrs. D. C. Well, then, the JONESES. They gave us Mr. D. C. MARY-ANN, I know they did. We have to eat them still whenever they drop in to meals. A lamprey makes me (shudders) ugh! They give us seven barrels twice a year! No, MARY-ANN; I will not threaten you, but breathe their name no more. Mrs. D. C. Well, put them off. But now there's Mrs. BLENKINSOP. Mr. D. C. The cat! She gave us six outrageous oleographs, all TRIOLET. A WOMAN who's late And swears in his passion. Is, of course, in the fashion. WEATHER WISDOM. So the nursery jingle goes, A "Wonder-Kid." [A licence was recently applied for to enable NELLIE WICK, aged eight A little lady-Figaro, who'll raze you like the wind! LEAVING THE PARENTAL NEST. The Bride's Father (to Bridegroom). OH, JOHN, YOU 'LL TAKE CARE OF HER, WON'T YOU !" THE MODERN MEDUSA. ["The views and objects of the Commonweal group of Anarchists are published in a journal called the Commonweal. ... and by reference to which it appears that they applaud and justify the wholesale massacre of innocent persons as a legitimate method for the attainment of their ends."-Mr. Asquith.] GORGON Medusa of the snaky locks, Whose loathly lair was 'midst the wavewashed rocks, Thou wert less hideous than our monstrous, mad Belated birth of Nemesis and Nox. Gendered of vengeful hatred and blind wrath, Crawling malign in Civilisation's path! Venomous vermin, of relentless fang, Foul spawn of wrong, oppression's aftermath. Dark is the monstrous mystery of thy birth, Sinister scourge of a time-wearied earth; But all men's hands against thee must be raised, Foe of all love and murderer of all mirth. Negation of all progress, hope's chill blight, Black bringer-back of Chaos and Old Night; The one unfaltering foe of humankind Which all that's human to the death must fight. With thee weak tenderness must make no truce, Parley with thee were pity's mere abuse. shrinks or spares, But lets the Gorgon's snaky offspring loose. "Hostis humani generis." AN ADVERTISER'S APPEAL ["Mr. CAINE (who advocates prohibiting openair advertisements in rural places) forgets that a good many people are unable to see that an advertisement of soap and pills mars the beauty of a landscape."-Illustrated News.] OH, Mister CAINE-not Sugar-CAINE, but bitter 'Gainst alcohol and opium and field-signWhy put poor Advertisers in a twitter By laying thus hard legislative lines In the defence of merely pastoral Beauty, By levying on Field-Signs a fine or duty? Good gracious! what are meadows, rocks and trees [Sir!Compared with the necessity-absolute, Of advertising Silks and Soaps and Teas, POPKINS's Pickles, BOODLE'S Bottled Fruit, Sir ? Or how should he King Mammon's heavy Who'd sacrifice great £ s. d. to-Landscape ? hand 'scape A Nuisance? Nonsense!!! Posters and Placards, In field or forest, serve the Public better Than all the blatant bosh of bleating bards. The Advertising Art would you thus What is the worth of rivers, rocks, and hills fetter? Compared with SMUGSON'S Soaps and PODGER'S Pills ? |