honour! Miss Cinders (in a temper). Cold, it's like singing to a lot of 'ap'ny ices! I used to have the choruses all sung for me when I brought out that song first; and now they've let me go off without a 'and! We shall see whether they'll rise to WILDFIRE to-night. Ah, here he is. Actually coming up to speak to us; there's an Miss Betsy Beno (to WILDFIRE, as he passes the table where she is sitting waiting for her turn). 'Ere, WATTY, old man, stop and 'ave a drop along of me. Do-there's plenty 'ere! (as WILDFIRE excuses himself laughingly). Well, I'm sure-refusing to drink when a lady goes out of her way to ask him-he hasn't the manners of a pig! And I draw my sixty quid a week the same as he does! Mr. Tadman. Well, dear boy, how's the play getting on? Not a frost, I hope? Wildfire. No; I just looked in on my way from the Val. here, and they seemed to think it was all right; but I couldn't stay till the finish. They're going to send round and let me know. (To the Small Boy, who has approached anxiously.) Oh, there you are, youngster! Yes, I shall want you-for the last time, you know. The Boy. Why, you-you ain't going to take the part away from me, Sir, when I created it, too! Wildf. (patting his shoulder kindly). I'm giving up singing altogether-that's why. Never mind; I'll see it makes no difference to you, so don't you distress yourself. We'll find you something or other to do. ROBERT ON THE COMING SHO. Year, when we changes our raining Sovverain, altho he is but twelve WELL, here we are just about gitting to the hend of our Citty munse old, and takes on a new one, for better or wuss as the case may be, and in this case I most suttenly thinks that it would be werry differcult indeed to change for a better, for it tisn't not only me and all my tribe, as Shylock calls us, but all the many hundreds, if not thowsends, as has had a share of the Rite Honnerabel the LORD MARE's noble ospitality, must all agree that a more liberaller, or hospitaler, or hopen artider Gent never entered the honored Manshun House than him who to ewerybody's regret is a going next week for to leave it! Why, I ardly expecs to be beleeved when I says as we have sumtimes had as many as three or fore grand Bankwets in one week, and the LORD MARE woud get up as usual the nex morning as if he thort nothink of it! No more he did, no not ewen when the King of DENMARK himself came and dined with him at Gildall, and explained to him all about the unfortnet death of Prince Hamlet! I do hear as we are to have such a Lord Mare's Sho as we ain't offen had, including, above all things that The Boy (with a gulp). If I ain't going to be with you any more, I-I don't care what 'appens, Sir. I'd as soon throw up the perfession myself, I would! [He turns away into a dark corner. Wildf. (to himself, as he goes to the wing). Nice boy that; didn't think he'd care so much; must keep an eye on him. Flattery must be over now. I wish I could have stayed to see it out; it was going magnificently; but there were some rather risky scenes ahead. Still, I believe it's a success; and, if it is, I shall have nobody coudn't have emagined, nothink less than a reel copy of the done with all this for ever after to-night. I can go to ALTHEA grand New Tower Bridge, and if that won't be a site for the and tell her, without- By Jove! wasn't it to-night that Old estonished Multitood praps somebody will kindly tell me what ToOVEY was to be in front? I wonder what he'll think of it. (He woud be. looks at himself in the mirror.) He'll have some difficulty in recognising me in this get up. Well, I shall know on Monday. (He goes on, and sings; then rushes back to the wing to change his costume, with the assistance of his dresser.) Yes, the coat, now, dresser, please. (To himself, as he paints some lines on his face.) I couldn't see anyone at all like old TooVEY. Very odd! They must have sent him the box, I suppose. Well, it doesn't matter; if he didn't think it necessary to come, so much the better. (Aloud.) Wigpaste, please. Now the boards. All right-I'm ready. (To the Boy.) Now, youngster, look out for your cue. He goes on. The Limelight Man (up in the flies-to himself). What's wrong with Mr. WILDFIRE? He as nearly broke down just now asand I can't keep the limelight on him nohow to-night! He can't have been drinking-he ain't that sort. But he do look bad-it's as much as ever he can do to go through with it; somethink's given him a turn. Wildfire (to himself, as he goes back to the wing, unsteadily); She's here and, what's worse, she's recognised me! She must have, or she would never have looked like that. If I could only have told her first; but, to discover it like this.-she'll think I meant to (He pitches away his boards in a fury.) Well, I've done for myself-it's all over! (To his dresser.) A note, eh ? There was a tork of asking all the Roossian Sailors, who has been a having sitch a jolly time of it in France, to run over and jine the Sho first and the Bankwet arterwards, but it was werry doutful men, coud have chatted away with them in their own native tung, so whether ewen all the Haldermen, much less all the Common Counselthe idear was given up in favour of Fire engines and Fire men. I've seen a goodish many Lord Mare's Shos in my time, and hopes to see a few more, in spite of the gellous growls of another body of gents as shall be nameless, but it woud suttenly be a grand joke to see the gellous body elluded to coming out in a London County show of their own, amid the skoffs and jiers and larfter of the emused Metrolopus! THE "OBERLAND" ROUTE. ROBERT. is to be submitted to the Federal Government at no very distant date."— ["A scheme for making a waterway between Switerland and the Adriatic Westminster Gazette.] British Minister, Bern, to Lord Rosebery, London.--A MR. JONES, who says he's a British subject, went up Pilatus to get view. Didn't get it. Also complains of overcharge for candles at his hotel. Have demanded immediate satisfaction from Swiss Government. Please send Mediterranean Squadron to Locarno. [He opens it, and reads the contents mechanically; Mr. TADMAN and one or two other artistes come up with curiosity on seeing his expression. Lord Rosebery, London, to British Minister, Bern.-Can't spare Tadm. Why, WILDFIRE, old man, what's this? Play gone the Squadron. Won't a gunboat do? You may speak strongly to wrong? Never mind, dear boy, we can't have everything. But Swiss Government. Tell them insult to JONES is insult to England. what's the report, eh? Meanwhile, wire best route for fleet to get up to Bern, if necessary. Don't see it on map. Wildf. (impatiently). Oh, I don't know. What does it matter now? (He lets the note fall.) There, you can read it if you want to know. [He walks away. Tadm. (with complacency). Poor chap, he's hard hit! But I could have told him it wasn't to be expected that- (He picks up the note, and reads it with a falling jaw.) Hullo! What's the meaning of this? It says the piece is a tremendous go-safe for a long run-had to raise the rag again and again. Why, he'll make his fortune over this alone; and yet, look at him! (Pointing to WILDFIRE, who has seated himself on the pile of lumber, in utter dejection.) And all those fools in front clapping and stamping for him to come on again. What more does the feller want, I wonder! END OF SCENE XIII. Brit. Min., B., to Lord R.-Owing to Mediterranean Squadron not having appeared at Locarno, Swiss Government very aggressive. Passenger steamers on Lakes of Geneva, Thun, and Lucerne being converted into a fleet Special new corps d'armée formed from Chamounix guides and patriotic hotel waiters. Man (whose name was ROBINSON) mistaken for JONES, and mobbed in streets last night. Some kind of Naval Demonstration absolutely necessary. Put ships on rail at Locarno, send 'em through Gothard Tunnel, and there you are! Lord R. to Brit. Min., B.-British Government recognises gravity of the JONES incident. What do you advise? Aren't the Alps in the way? Brit. Min., B., to Lord R.-Didn't like to suggest details. Send ironclads. Ram something. Why not bombard Alps. Gunboat moored at Devil's Bridge might shell Andermatt. Leave it to you. UNION IS (LOGICAL) WEAKNESS.-The Congregational Union lays Lord R. to Brit. Min., B.-Sorry to say, European complications it down as a law, "that the rights of humanity must take pre- have now arisen from JONES incident. Swiss Government has offered cedence of those of property." We fear this admirable maxim (like its fleet to Russia and France. Triple Alliance tottering. Can't you (qually admirable Charity) might be made to cover a multitude get Swiss Government to apologise to JONES, and end business? of sins, from petty larceny to anarchism. Would it be consonant Brit. Min. to Lord R.-Business is ended. JONES not a British with the "rights of humanity," for, say, a Congregational Unionist subject after all, but a Swede, who's travelled in America! Recall to object to a poor tramp stealing his best umbrella on a wet day? gunboat. THE SPREAD OF CULTURE DOWNWARDS. "ULLO, MARY, WHAT'S THIS? NAME OF THE 'OUSE?" No, MR. IGNORANCE; IT'S A LATIN WORD, AND MEANS 'PLEASE TO WIPE YOUR FEET!'" "RESH'PROSH'TY." ["What struck the TZAR... in the recent festivities, was the feeling of fraternity which seemed to pervade the multitude... The feeling of concord and fraternity appears to survive the last echoes of the festivities... The word now most frequently heard is Amnesty.' This, indeed, is the fi test coping-stone to prolonged festivities characterised by universal concord."-Times' Paris Correspondent.] President. "Prolonged feshtivitish!" Thash good, that ish! Very prolonged, ole f'ler, an' awf'ly feshtive! You mush ha' notish'd. Feeling of fraternity Tzar. I echosh tha' tine Shwiveller shentiment Entirely! (Aside.) I must not appear too sober. Tzar. Oh, coursh! Asshure you I am quite alive To reshiproshity-shan't forget it-never! President. Thash ri' ole fler! Our resh-hic!-proshityNot like the comic Yankee's, all one shide? Tzar. Certainly not! Shorry to say good-bye! But though our bodiesh part, our soulsh are tied. President. Precishly! We're both tight-mean tied-in knotsh. The champagne, an' the speeches, an' the kisshes Have bound our bosomsh, and combined our lotsh! Tzar. Quite sho! (Aside.) I'll watch a chance to hint my wishes. President. We've had a jolly time, and now, ole f'ler, Ashcoping-shtone" to all this talk and toddy, As shequel to thish patr'otic stir, I'm going to amneshty-yesh, everybody! Jush show, y' know, that thersh no animoshity! Tzar (aside). Oh, that is the Republic's little game? Russia can't stand that form of reciprocity! Could you just 'blige me with a trifling Loan? THE PROFESSION OF-JOURNALISM. DEAR MR. B-CH-N-N,-Our famous Third Page rather dull lately. Couldn't you enliven it up by one of your characteristic letters-say on "The Profession of Literature"? Say all the old things about its degrading effect on those who follow it, including yourself-the public loves to see a vivisection in public-and be sure to spice it well with distinguished names, such as SW-NB-RN-, R-ss-tt-, etc. Any depreciatory anecdotes would be very telling, and serve to evoke indignant free replies from those who wouldn't guess they were jumping to a prepared bait. I shall count on you for a column. Yours faithfully, THE EDITOR OF THE -. P.S.-Of course you will be insulted at the usual rate.-ED. [Result-the usual one on the famous Third Page. Mot by a Member. (During the Debate on the Second Reading of the Parish Councils Bill.) To get truth's cream from ROLLIT and from DILKE! THE LATEST "GLASS OF FASHION."-The dress fashioned of spun-glass, as a royal robe for the Princess EULALIA of Spain, and exhibited at the Chicago World's Fair. M. CARNOT. "WELL, OLE F'LER, WE'VE ALL HAD, JOLLY GOOD TIME-AN' I'M GOING T' AMNESTY EV'RYB'Y!! YOU-DO-SAME!!" TZAR. "LEAVE THAT T' ME. BY TH' WAY-COULD YOU 'BLIGE ME-TRIFLIN' LOAN?" "BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY." (Rudyard Kipling passim.) TOM's uncle by his will Left Toм in greatest glory. There was a codicil "But that's another story." PHIL Wooed a fair one, KATE; She met him con amore. The damages were great"But that's another story." HUGH's rent (for an address!) Was far and wide in ore. His suite now costs him less"But that's another story." Of readers not a few Deem RIDER HAGGARD gory. We have MACBETH, it's true"But that's another story." One JOSEPH was enrolled Though now a sort of ToryA Williamite of old "But that's another story." Some maids would make it known [hoary, They'll wait till locks are But wed for love alone"But that's another 'story.' IN BLACK AND WHITE. (A Modern Glove Romance.) THAT pair of gloves you wore when first we met Were what you called, I think, a "pair of loves." You won them from your cousin on a bet That pair of gloves. Now as to colour, this or that shade proves A shade expensive, runs you into debt. Tan's universal, while a tint of dove's [Yet Particularly nice for evening. Black with white stitching most my fancy moves, And such were yours. never can forget That pair of gloves. The Vicar. "DEAR, DEAR, MRS. PRICKLES, I REGRET TO HEAR THAT THE CABMAN'S GUIDE TO POLITENESS.-No. II. Question. I think when you are out of temper, and have been asked by a Fare, who appears to know more (or less) about distances than you do, to stop, you pretend not to hear him? Answer. Yes; and I continue not to hear him until a policeman pulls me up. Q. Quite so; and then you have a way of giving a jerk while your Fare is getting in which either covers a lady's dress with mud, or all but breaks the leg of a gentleman ? A. Well, I have known such things to happen. Q. And when you reach your destination, you carefully forget the number of the street or square, and are equally hard of hearing if your Fare attempts to direct you? A. You have hit it, especially if it's raining. Q. Of course. And when you get your money, you sneer and drive away, as if you were disgusted? A. Yes. And as I go off I make as much splash as I can, in the hope of my late fare getting a dose of the mud. Q. Exactly. Now, don't you think it would be better to come up cheerfully, drive carefully, and when you receive your money, observe, Well, Sir (or Madam), I know I have no right to more, but times are hard, and if you would spare an extra sixpence, I should consider it a real kindness?" Would not that mode be better than the other? Would it not be more profitable? A. It might, but I can't say, as I have never tried it. RHODES TO? SIR HENRY LOCH may hold the key In Africa, but all must see That RHODES the handle hath fast grip on, Shouts "Let her rip!"-de spite Lord RIPON. Cut is poor LOBENGULA'S comb, 'Tis said that all roads lead to to be your rights from a mother with two boxes and four small children? A. Why I generally swear at the kids and sit on the boxes until I am paid what I ask, or get sent to the right-abouts by a policeman. Q. No doubt; yet such a course seems both barbarous and inconvenient. Could you not improve upon it? A. Not I. It is the right thing to do, and that is why I do it. Q. And yet would it not be as easy for you to help the boxes down yourself, and then to make friends with the mother through her children? Could you not observe, "Bless their hearts, they are fine lads, or young ladies (as the case might be), and you should be proud of them, mum ?" A. Yes, I might say that, but I don't think the mother would come down with the cash any quicker on account of it. Q. But supposing, when you were offered less than you thought due to you, could you not observe, "I have children of my own, mum, and if you could spare a couple of shillings (or half-a-crown, or what you thought right) more, it would be a real kindness, and give my children something more than bread and water for dinner ?" Could you not say that? A. I might, but I won't. Q. But surely it would be pleasanter for you to be amiable and courteous instead of a bully and a brute? And would it not be easier, too? A. Try for yourself. Just you drive a cab for a dozen hours in all weathers, and then you will learn what chances you have of Q. Again, what is your method of obtaining what you consider feeling light-hearted and polite ! |