Fodgers (who is somehow managing to spend his holiday at a Country House for the shooting). "WELL, SPEAKING OF BOOTS, SIR JOHN, YOU SEE THESE SHOES I HAVE ON. THEY COST ME EXACTLY FOUR-AND-SIXPENCE. FOR YOURS!" Now 1 DARE SAY YOU GAVE TWICE AS MUCH With t'other. whose breath means disease and death, He befouls it beyond measure. And it's oh! for a knight, or some man of Till a noxious brewage of slime and sewage might, To demolish the Dragon of London! This dragon hath two horrid heads, For forage and for foison; Whilst the other means Pollution; You've heard, of course, of the Trojan horse; And gulp like the Gobbling Grampus; And smite and shock, like the Jabberwock, Or the Chawsome Catta-Wampus! On the river's banks he plays his pranks, By the Thames and the Lea his coils you'll see, A-stretch-like a concertina. For the Thames to him, from brim to brim, Is a sort of a private Pactolus, In whose sands of gold this Dragon bold Can roll and wallow-solus! With one head he grabs L. S. D. (Like a Nibelungen Treasure), Is the draught of the water-lover. Where's the "More of More Hall with nothing at all," To bring swift retribution, And put the gag on this two-headed Dragon Of Greed and of Pollution? Hurroo! Hooray! Some have had their say (And their counsels have been various). But there looms in sight a "peerless knight," Which his name is " Sir AQUARIUS." This Public Water Examiner, "With legal right of entry," Should right the wrong of this Dragon strong, And o'er river-rights stand sentry. More of More Hall was nothing at all For a balladist to brag on, Compared with our Knight of the Watering Pot If he'll slay our River Dragon! TURPIN AND TRAINS. RAILWAY travelling in Chicago must be pleasant. "The express train to New York," says Dalziel's Express in the Times of the 13th, "on the Lake Shore Railway was stopped by robbers about 140 miles east of Chicago." Twenty robbers, masked, did the business, killing the engine driver, and blowing open the express compartment of the car with dynamite! When travelling by steam was introroads being freed from DICK TURPIN, PAUL duced we congratulated ourselves on our Atlantic liners, and so forth, it was presumed CLIFFORD, and Co.; and with steamers, that the last had been heard of PAUL JONES and the Red Rover. But can this immunity be any longer guaranteed? May we not in due course expect to hear of " A P. and O. steamer robbed on the High Seas by a Pirate Craft," or "The Bath Express stopped soon after leaving Swindon by PAUL CLIFFORD, jun., and his gang of desperadoes"? SOMETHING LIKE A CENTENARIAN.-The Daily Chronicle gives a most useful summary of notable events for every day in the week. Here is one to be quoted as ever memorable, which appeared on Wednesday, Sept. 20: "Battle of Newbury. Lord Falkland killed, 1643. Bishop John Gauden died, 1662. Battle of Valmy, 1792. Sir Edward James Reed, K.C.B., born, 1630!! Battle of the Alma, 1854." We congratulate Sir EDWARD on having attained his Two-hundred-and-sixty-third birthday!! The oldest inhabitant isn't in it with him. UNDER THE ROSE. (A Story in Scenes.) SCENE V.-A General Waiting-room at Clapham Junction. CURPHEW is leaning against the mantelpiece. Mr. TooVEY is seated on one of the horsehair chairs against the wall. Mr. Toovey (to himself). I do wish he'd sit down, and not look at me in that austere way! (Aloud.) Won't you take a chair? It would be so much more comfortable. [He shifts his seat uneasily. Curphew (stiffly). Thanks, Mr. TooVEY, but I'd rather stand-for so short a time. (A pause.) Well, Sir, you have something to say to me, I believe? Mr. Toov. (to himself). Oh dear, I'm almost sorry now I-he won't make sufficient allowances for me. (Aloud, after another pause.) The fact is, Mr. CURPHEW, I-I've just made a-a very painful discovery, which is there any water in that decanter ? because I-I feel a little thirsty. [CURPHEW pours him out a glass of water, which he sips. Curph. Come, Sir, we needn't beat about the bush. I think I can spare you the preliminaries. I suppose you've heard about the Eldorado? Mr. Toov. (to himself). He knows already! These journalists find out everything. (Aloud.) I-I have indeed, but assure you that, up to the very moment my nephew informed me, I had no more suspicion Curph. You naturally consider that I ought to have told you at once, but the fact is, I- well, I had reason to doubt whether Mrs. TooVEY some Mr. Toov. Oh, you were quite right, it would never have done -never have done. I haven't breathed a word to Mrs. TOOVEY myself as yet. I was afraid I might be obliged to this morning. She discovered that dreadful Eldorado programme in one of my pockets, and was curious, very naturally curious, as to why I had kept it, but I passed it off-I managed to pass it off. I-I thought it better, at all events, till-till I had talked it over with you. Curph. (to himself, relieved). He takes it wonderfully well. I shouldn't be surprised if I could talk him over. (Aloud.) Oh, decidedly, Sir. And may I ask you what your own views are ? Mr. Toov. I-I don't know what to think. For a man in my position to have even the remotest connection with-with a London music hall! Wouldn't it be considered scandalous, or at least indecorous, if it were to leak out now? Shouldn't I be regarded as-as inconsistent, for example? London County Council, they wouldn't encourage anything reallyIf I could only be sure-and I'm open to conviction-I hope I'm always open to conviction. headed old Pharisee as I thought. (Aloud.) I am sure you are. Curph. (to himself). He's coming round; he's not such a pigYou are not the man to condemn any form of amusement, however harmless, merely because you find no attraction in it yourself. Mr. Toov. No, no. And I see the force of what you say; and if I could only once satisfy myself that the entertainment was really harmlessCurph. (to himself). He couldn't very well object to my part of it-it's an idea, and worth trying. (Aloud.) My dear Sir, why shouldn't you? In any case I should terminate my connection with the music-hall as soon as possible. Mr. Toov. (disappointed). Would you? Then you do think? But the sacrifice, my dear young friend, it-it's a great deal of money to give up! Curph. (lightly). Oh, that's of no consequence. I shouldn't think of that, for a moment! Mr. Toov. (to himself, annoyed). It's all very well for him to talk like that, but it's my sacrifice, and I do think of it! (Aloud.) But-but wouldn't it be a little Quixotic to withdraw from this Eldorado, supposing I found there was no moral objection to it, eh? "I drop into a music-hall?" Curph. Oh, no one could reproach you, at all events, Sir! Mr. Toov. (to himself). And I thought he was going to be so hard on me! (Aloud.) I am glad you take that view of it-yes, I can't be held responsible for what I did in absolute ignorance; but, now that I do know, I can't go on, can I?-after a lifetime spent in condemning such entertainments! Curph. But are you quite sure, Sir, that your condemnation was based on any real foundation; mayn't you have been too ready to think the worst? Have you ever troubled yourself to inquire into the way they were conducted ? Mr. Toov. (to himself, in astonishment). Why, he's actually making excuses for them! (Aloud.) I have always been given to understand that they were most improper places, Sir; that was sufficient for me-quite sufficient! Curph. I daresay I have no right to speak; but you may not be aware that all music-halls are now subject to the strictest supervision. And a body like the London County Council is not likely to sanction any impropriety in the entertainments. Mr. Toov. (to himself). If I could only persuade myself that I might keep the shares with a good conscience! To give up three hundred and fifty a year, without necessity! I wonder what he would say. (Aloud.) True, that didn't occur to me before; and the Curph. I thought you would be the first to insist that the Eldorado should be given up! Surely, Sir, when I tell you that I love your daughter; that I hope, though I have not spoken as yet, to enter your family some day as your son-in-law, you will look at it differently? Mr. Toov. (to himself). He does want to marry our THEA? CORNELIA will be delighted-delighted, but I really can't allow him to dictate to me whether to sell the shares or not! (Aloud, with dignity.) My good young friend, I have lived longer than you in the world, and you will permit me to say that if, after investigation, I see no cause to disapprove of the Eldorado, there is no reason that I can discover why you should hesitate to enter my family. I-I must act on my own judgment-entirely on my own judgment! Curph. (to himself). He is an old trump! Who would have thought he'd be so reasonable. (Aloud, overjoyed.) My dear Sir, how can I thank you? That is all I ask-more than I could possibly have expected. And I was about to suggest that you might drop into the Eldorado some evening this week and judge for yourself. Mr. Toov. (recoiling in consternation). I? I drop into a musichall? Oh, I couldn't, indeed! Why, I never was in such a place in all my life. And if anybody were to see me there! Curph. You need not be seen at all. There are private boxes where no one would notice you. I could easily get them to send you one, if you like. Mr. Toov. (to himself). What a power the Press is, to be sure! I remember CHARLES said that newspaper writers could get seats for everything. (Aloud.) Really, I hardly know what to say; it's so very contrary to all my habits, and then-to go alone. Now if you would only accompany me Curph. You forget, Sir, that's quite impossible. I can't come in the box with you! Mr. Toov. (to himself). There it is-it's against his principles to go himself, and yet he expects me to! (Aloud, peevishly.) Then why are you so anxious to have me go, eh? Curph. Why? Because there are Mrs. Toover's prejudices to be considered, and I'm anxious that you should be in a position to assure her from your own personal experience that Mr. Toov. Oh, my dear young friend, if I did go, I don't think I could ever mention such an experience as that to Mrs. TooVEY. She-she might fail to understand that I merely went for the satisfaction of my own conscience. Curph. She might, of course. So long as you satisfy yourself, then. And what night will suit you best? if at all-if at all. "PIECE AND WAR!" AT DRURY LANE. "VICTORY sits on our helms!" cries Sir DRURIOLANUS AUCTOR to Mr. Toov. You're in such a hurry, young man. I-I never said I should go. I'm not at all sure that I can go; but if I did allow myself to venture, it would have to be some evening when my wife HENRICUS PARVUS ETIAM AUCTOR, (as they drive back to "The let me see, on Saturday she's going out to some special meeting of Helms, Regent's Park," after the curtain has descended on the her Zenana Mission Committee, I know. It had better be Saturday, last scene of the last act of A Life of Pleasure at Drury Lane. Twice has Sir DRURIOLANUS appeared before the footlights at Curph. (making a note). Very well. I will see you have a box for the end of the Fourth Act, when some battle in Burmah is that evening, and I hope you will manage to go. But there's a comic Captain HARRY NICHOLLS, Colonel Lord FRANK FENTON gallantly won by the united dramatic forces under the heroic but train coming in-I must really be off. Good-bye, Sir, and very many AVONDALE, Sergeant CLARENCE HOLT, and a handful of the bravest thanks for the kind and generous way in which you have treated soldiers that ever marched to glory over the boards of old Drury me. I am very glad we have had this explanation, and thoroughly Lane. What the story is, and how these heroes got into the jungle understand one another. Good-bye-good-bye! [He shakes Mr. ToOVEY's hand with cordial gratitude, and and out again, and how the right man married the right woman, and how the wronged woman would have saved the villain from the venMr. Toov. (looking after him in some mystification). A most high-geance of HENRY DESMOND O'NEVILLE,-who, alas, had to stay in the minded young man, but a little too officious. And I don't under-green-room while the others were distinguishing themselves in Burmah, stand why he makes such a point of my going to this Eldorado -is known to the clever collaborators and a few of their trusted conBut, if I do go, I mayn't see anything to disapprove of; and, if i fidants. Of that strange history I, a mere civilian, had every detail don't, I shall keep the shares-whether he likes it or not. He may blown clean out of my head by the din of the great battle. In fact, be a very worthy young man, but I doubt whether he's quite a never have I heard of any "theatrical engagement" equal to this. man of the world! That Miss LILY HANBURY looked lovely, and touched my heart; that Mrs. BERNARD-BEERE suddenly developed a brogue that, on occaEND OF SCENE V. sion, betrayed her nationality; that Miss LE THIÈRE was a villainous matron; that Miss LAURA LINDEN was sprightly and pretty; that rushes out. now. SCENE-An Editor's Room. Editor discovered in conversation with Editor (preparing to resume his work). Well, from all you' tell me, I imagine you must be a most accomplished person. Would-be Reporter (smiling). Well, I believe I am up to the standard required by the Institute of Journalists. My classics are fairly good, but I do not know as much as I should of mixed mathematics. However, I took a double first at Oxford; but then I had a particularly easy year. All the men against me were practically duffers. Ed. (slightly interested). Do you know anything of modern languages ! W.-be Rep. Well, yes. I can speak and write European in all its branches, including Swedish and Norwegian patois, and the argot used on the borders of Turkey and Greece. I am fairly well up in Chinese, but have only a general idea of the grammar of Afghanistan. But I may add that I am spending four hours a day in completing this part of my training. "The Action of the Piece." Ed. I think you said that you have passed in engineering, Mr. ARTHUR DACRE was the best representative of lop-sided villainy orchesta-playing, astronomy, naval and military tactics, and the ever seen on the stage; and that Mr. ROBERT SOUTAR reappeared history of the world, and the other components of the planetary as an elderly masher about town; all this, I am ready to admit, system? would have been good enough for me, without any attempt on my Didn't I W.-be Rep. Certainly; I have in every way (save that I have part at stringing them together in a consecutive story. still to pass in Roman Law) satisfied the requirements of the Insti-know from the very moment she appeared in deep black, and with tute of Journalists. I am all but qualified for the reception of an a very pale face, that Miss LE THIERE was a villain of the deepest Associate's degree. dye in petticoats? Could I have trusted Mr. ARTHUR DACRE, in W.-be Rep. (gratefully). A thousand thanks. I know; threehalf-pence a line, with a minimum of three shillings. Ed. Precisely. (Taking up his pen.) And now, as my Sub-editor told me that there was a fire somewhere in the neighbourhood, you had better look after it. Ed. (with a view to closing the interview). Very well, then; we his neat grey suit, with a sixpence, much less with my life? As shall be glad to use anything you may be good enough to send us-for Mr. ELTON, representing the Hebraic money-lender-indispenof course, at the customary rate. sable of late years to all Drury Lane dramas-wasn't I well aware that he was to be the comic villain, only set up to be knocked down again, and to be finally bowled out by the apparently simple HARRY NICHOLLS? Then there is the scene at the Empire, admirably stage-managed, but the ladies should try to take just a trifle more interest in the strange proceedings of that eventful night, as they should also do when re-appearing as wedding guests in the last act. But these fair ladies are heartless; all's one to them, happen what may. Then there was the House-boat, equally wellarranged; but everything is entirely eclipsed by the Military Act, in three scenes, which contains "the action of the piece," and leaves the audience half-deafened by mitrailleuses, and half-choked by the gunpowder. But as the smoke gradually cleared away, the stalwart figure of the Commander-in-Chief, yclept DRURIOLANUS himself, was seen bowing his acknowledgments. W-be Rep. Thank you so much. But as I have forgotten to bring my reporter's-book, perhaps you will kindly lend me some copy-paper? Ed. Certainly; you will find some in that corner. (He approaches speaking-tube, to which he has been summoned by a whistle.) Ah! You need not trouble after the fire, for I find we have already received a report from someone on the spot. W.-be Rep. (in a tone of disappointment). What a bore! just as I was going to it report myself! However, better luck next time. Ed. (courteously). I hope so; good morning. (Exit Would-be Reporter.) What a nuisance these fellows are! Highly educated, of course, and all that sort of thing; but I am not sure that the rough-and-ready school was not the better. W.-be Rep. (re-entering hurriedly). My good Sir! Fancy! the man who has sent you the report of the local fire was educated at a small grammar-school, and never even entered a university! Ed. Well, what of that? 19W.-be Rep. (surprised). You surely won't use his copy? Ed. (decisively). I surely shall. First come, first served. And now you must allow me. (Returns to his work, to the surprise and disgust of Would-be Reporter. Curtain.) But what was it all about? "Why, that I cannot tell,' quoth Old CASPAR, but 'twas a famous victory!"" And if you, my noncombatant readers, wish to know how the Burmese War was undertaken for the special benefit of HARRY NICHOLLS, you just go and see for yourself the new drama, mysteriously entitled A Life of Pleasure, at T. R. Drury Lane, and for this advice you will thank "OLD CASPAR." A MOOT POINT.-The G. O. M. is reported to have been engaged in translating Horace. Is this a picturesque way of referring to the recent elevation of Sir HORACE DAVEY? |