11 AM NOON To be concluded in our next. THE LOWER CREATION-SEEKING FOR A JOB. MEETING OF THE ANTI-BIOGRAPHERS. (From Notes supplied by Superhuman Reporters.) A MEETING was recently held in the early dawn to consider "Biographies in General, and the lives of British Celebrities in Particular." The site chosen for the gathering was so indefinite, that it is impossible to give it accurate geographical expression. There was a large number of shades present, and Dr. SAMUEL JOHNSON was unanimously voted to the chair. 66 The President, in thanking those who had done him the favour of thus honouring him, observed that, although he appreciated the compliment that had been bestowed upon him, he could not express any particular esteem for the intelligence of those who had been the cause of his occupying his present position. (Laughter.) He did not understand the reason which had prompted merriment as a fitting recognition of his remarks. If they were satisfied, he was content. He had been called to take the chair, he supposed, because he had nothing to do with his own biography. That had been written by a Scottish gentleman, with whom he had no sympathy. Mr. BoswELL: I hope, Sir, you do not mean what you say. The President (with great severity): Yes, Sir, I do. I think that the man who would write the life of another without his sanction is unworthy (Cries of Agreed.") The learned Doctor continued. He did not wish to force his sentiments upon any one. No doubt his opinions were considered behind the time. Everything had changed nowadays, and even his Dictionary was, more or less, superseded by an American Lexicon. He called upon the Emperor NAPOLEON BUONAPARTE to move the first resolution. The Emperor NAPOLEON BUONAPARTE expressed his satisfaction that he should have been allowed to take the lead in this matter. It reminded him of old times, when he took the lead in everything. ("Hear, hear."). He represented, he supposed, "Biographies in General," as he had not much sympathy with British worthies. He wished bygones to be bygones ("Hear, hear "), but he must say that the conduct of Sir HUDSON LOWE was (Interruption.) Well, he did not wish to press the matter further. (Hear, hear.") There was no doubt that unless a man wrote his autobiography he was always misrepresented. (Cheers.) It was high time that some control should be put upon the publication of the lives of those who had joined the majority. He had much pleasure in proposing the following resolution: It is the opinion of this meeting of Shades assembled in council in Elysium that steps should be taken to prevent the dissemination of false information about their prior existences." Sir WALTER SCOTT said that it gave him great pleasure to second a resolution moved with such admirable discretion by his imperial and heroic friend the last speaker. He had the greater satisfaction in doing this as it might lead to a new and amended edition of his own Life of Napoleon." 66 A Shade, who refused to give either his name or address, begged to oppose the motion. In his opinion modern biographies were a great deal better than work of the same kind of an earlier date. No, no.") But he said "Yes, yes." It was now quite the fashion to whitewash everyone. He would testify that he recently read a biography of himself without recognising the subject. Since then his self esteem had increased a hundred fold. (Laughter.) He thought it would be a great mistake to interfere. They had much better leave things as they were. Mr. WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE (who was received with applause) asked permission to offer a practical suggestion. Although he was a poet, he was also a man of business. (Laughter.) He spoke smarting under a personal grievance. It was common knowledge that only a short while ago the bulk of his works was declared to have been written by BACON. (Cries of "Shame.") However, it was no use to pass resolutions unless they could carry them into effect. He would therefore move an amendment to the resolution already before them, to the following effect: That to carry out any arrangement that may be considered necessary, those present pledge themselves to subscribe a crown a piece." He proposed this under the impression that, granted the requisite funds, it would be possible to communicate with the mundane authorities. Sir ISAAC NEWTON had much pleasure in seconding the amendment. He might add, that it was quite within the resources of science to do all that was required. He would explain in detail how it could be done. The learned gentleman then began a lecture, with the effect that the meeting rapidly dissolved. After he had been speaking for an hour and a quarter, he discovered that he had no auditors. Ernest. "I SEE YOU ARE GETTING ON, FOREMAN." Foreman. "YES, SIR; WE SHALL HAVE THE WALLS PLASTERED TO-MORROW." Agatha. "OH, ERNEST, DON'T LET'S HAVE PLASTER! YOU NEVER SEE IT NOW; EVERYBODY HAS WALL-PAPERS, AND YOU CAN GET LOVELY ONES QUITE CHEAP!" "BALLADE JOYEUSE." (Nor by Théodore de Banville.) THOUGH you're pent up in town While you pant for the breeze Upon moorland and down, For the whispers of trees, And the hum of the bees Winging home to the hive, Drain your cup to the lees- With the maid you would please And behave like Pawnees- Though you cough and you wheeze Till you barely survive, At existence don't sneeze Aren't you glad you're alive? Olympian nectar will for "slops" refuse. Submerged in sentimentalism utter, ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, August 21.Some excellent speaking to-night. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD in fine form. Opportunity made to his hand. With JOSEPH, friend and ally of Conservative Ministry that had invented and applied Guillotine Closure, indignantly protesting against the "gag," there was room for obvious remark. Then there was J. C.'s article in monthly magazine of so recent date as 1890, in which, in his forcible manner, he had, with circumstance, demanded application of gag not only to successive stages in important measures, but to Supply. ·་ Oh that mine enemy would write an article in the Nineteenth Century!" exclaimed GEORGE CURZON. Anyone could make a speech with such opportunity as the SQUIRE has." "Exactly," said the Member for SARK; "but perhaps they mightn't do it so well." Another good speech from unexpected quarter was WHITBREAD'S. WHITBREAD is the Serious Person of the Liberal Party. Whenever Mr. G. gets into difficulties on constitutional questions or points of Parliamentary practice, WHITBREAD solemnly Asked for Art-bread she proffers-Bread-marches to front, and says nothing particular and-butter! with imposing air that carries conviction. To-day came out quite in new style; almost epigrammatic, certainly pointed. Quite a "HEAVY MARCHING ORDER" (IN AUGUST). model of Parliamentary speech of the old "Shirt-sleeves and Sherbet." stately, yet flexible style now little known. Best of all, PRINCE ARTHUR. Never heard him to greater advan- the vaccination law justify the remission of penalties, the same tage. As a former Leader once said, the House of Commons, above practice should not apply in case of breaches of the land laws. The all things, likes to be shown sport. PRINCE ARTHUR showed the House of Commons for pleasure, I suppose; but for ordinary sanity way to-night, crowded House merrily following. It was ticklish give me Peebles and its Hydropathic Institute." ground, for he was chaffing Mr. G. Not a good subject upon which Business done.-Report Stage of Home-Rule Bill to expend wit or satire. The PRINCE did it so daintily, with such light, graceful touch, such shining absence of acerbity, such brimming over with contagious good humour, that the cloud vanished from the brow of Jove. Beginning to listen with a frown, Mr. G. presently beamed into a laugh. As for his colleagues on either hand, their merriment was as unrestrained as it was on remoter benches. Only MUNDELLA managed to keep a Ministerial countenance. The play was good, but the theme too sacred to be lightly handled. To him, seated on the left, Mr. G. gratefully turned in earlier stages of the speech and whispered his scathing comment. MUNDELLA behaved nobly. The SOLICITORGENERAL, who had his share in the genial roasting, might roar with Homeric laughter. MUNDELLA gravely shook his head in response to Mr. G.'s whispered remarks. Fancy, however, he was grateful when Mr. G. began to laugh and the President of the Board of Trade was free to smile. Speech as useful as it was delightful. Showed to whom it may concern that venerable age may be criticised without discourtesy, and high position attacked without insolence. Business done.-Settled that Report Stage of Home-Rule Bill shall close on Friday. LIKA JOKO Prince Arthur the Jester. Wednesday."Mr. SPEAKER, Sir. One or two ideas occur to me." It was the voice of MACGREGOR uplifted from back bench, where a retiring disposition (he retired from medical practice some years ago) leads him to take his seat. Moment critical; debate long proceeding on Amendment moved by NAPOLEON BOLTONPARTY, which had called down on Imperial head a fearsome whack from hand of Mr. G.; House growing impatient for Division; SPEAKER risen to put question, when THE MACGREGOR interposed. Evidently in for long clinical lecture. Hand partly extended, palm downwards; eyes half closed; head thrown back, and the voice impressively intoned. LIKA JOKO "All's well that ends well." Thursday.-"Been up to see Fulham," said Member for SARK, hurrying in just in time to miss Division. "The place fascinates me. No lions there, and no necessity for getting up a lamp-post; so would not interest GRANDOLPH. But HAYES FISHER is Member' for Fulham, and he, you know, is the man who discovered, after (as he said) he had taken LOGAN by the scruff of the neck and 'so begun what followed even than LOGAN." That is delightful. Fulham not the scrimmage,' that Mr. G. was more criminally responsible for to be outdone by its Member. Last night indignation meeting held in Town Hall to protest against conduct of HAYES FISHER and 'proceedings in House of Commons on Thursday, July 27.' Hall crowded; indignation seething; gentlemen of Fulham could hardly contain themselves in contemplation of iniquity of a man who, differing from another on matter of opinion, took him by the coatcollar and shook him. Meeting summoned at instance of Fulham Liberal and Radical Association. Seemed at first that all in room were good Radicals. As evening advanced, presence of one or two gentlemen of another way of thinking manifested. One called out. Three cheers for Fisher!' and what, my TOBY, did these men of Fulham do these gentlemen met in solemn conclave with avowed "Mr. SPEAKER, Sir, a few ideas have occurred to me." object of denouncing physical outrage and clearing fair name of THE MACGREGOR got no further; a shout of hilarious laughter Fulham from slur brought upon it by athletic proceedings of HAYES broke in upon his reverie. Opened his eyes, and looked hastily FISHER? Why, they up and at the Fisherites, with the result, round. He, DONALD MACGREGOR, First Prizeman in Chemistry as I read in the papers, that a struggle ensued, one man being and Surgery; Second Prizeman in Physiology and Midwifery; seized and violently hustled from the Hall.' After this the meeting Licentiate of both the Royal Colleges of Physicians and of Surgeons, settled down, and unanimously passed a resolution expressing its Edinburgh; practised at Penrith, Cumberland, and in London; condemnation of the disorderly and disgraceful scene in the House formerly Medical Officer and Public Vaccinator for Penrith and of Commons on Thursday, July 27.' Don't know how it strikes district; Resident Physician at the Peebles Hydropathic Institute; you. But to me that is most delightful incident in the day's news. Medical Superintendent of the Barnhill Hospital and Asylum, Felt constrained to make pilgrimage to Fulham, to see a place where Glasgow-yes, all this, and House of Commons was laughing Member and Constituency are so rarely matched. Don't suppose No. nothing; just filling up time; waiting for to-morrow night, and Closure to come. at him! "What-what," he gasped, making motion as if he would feel the SPEAKER's pulse. "I don't understand. I very rarely speak; have said nothing before on this Bill. Now, when something occurs to me hon. members laugh." House touched by this appeal; generously cheered. Doctor, resuming his oratorical attitude, proceeded. "I think," he remarked, with hand again outstretched, eyes half closed, and head thrown back as before, it was SYDNEY SMITH who said, When doctors differ who shall decide." The Doctor was awakened out of his oratorical trance by another shout of laughter. What on earth was the matter now? Perhaps if he kept his eyes open he would see better where the joke came in. Took the precaution, but had not proceeded more than two minutes before SPEAKER down on him; after which he thought it best to resume his seat. "I give it up, TOBY," he said; " as ASQUITH yesterday gave up that conundrum I put to him as to why, if repeated breaches of · I've missed much here ?" Business done.-None. Friday midnight.-Report Stage Home-Rule Bill just agreed to; a dull evening till the last quarter of an hour, when TIM HEALY took the floor and thoroughly enjoyed himself. Everyone concerned, more especially those concerned in prolonging debate, glad it's over. DONALD CRAWFORD so excited at prospect of approaching holidays that on first Division he got into wrong Lobby; voted against one of JoHN MORLEY's new Clauses, reducing Ministerial majority to 36. On two subsequent Divisions was carefully watched into right Lobby, and majority maintained at 38. Business done.-Report Stage Home-Rule Bill passed. GREAT FALL IN GOVERNMENT SECURITIES.-The dropping of the Guillotine. A BROWN STUDY IN see no AUTUMN TINTS. (Being a Fragment from a Matter-of-fact Romance.) AND he walked along the deserted streets and could one. Here and there would be a pile of stones and wooden blocks, telling of an impeded thoroughfare, but the place itself was empty. There were seemingly no inhabitants in this deserted city. They had vanished into thin, or, rather, murky air. Then he looked at what appeared to be a playhouse. The doors were closed, and the bill-boards were pasted over with blue paper. Evidently the portals of the theatre had not been open for weeks, perchance for months. And it was the same in the parks. Only the leaves moved, and then only when the wind agitated them. There were a few sparrows in the trees, but they seemed to be ashamed of themselves, and chirruped (so to speak) with bated breath. Oh it was indeed a scene of desolation. no And the shops, too! Many of them were closed, and those which were open seemed to be tenantless. There were no customers; counter attendants. Trade seemed to be as dead as the proverbial door-nail. And the hoardings too! Even they had suffered. Old posters, manifestly out THE MINOR ILLS OF LIFE. PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN ATTEMPTING TO REGAIN HIS TENT AFTER THE of date, fluttered in tatters; it had been no one's business to restore the rotting paper, and it had gone the way of other grass. The placards were worse than useless; they could not be deciphered. And yet again he marched on. There were exhibitions, and no one to see them; museums, and no visitors to inspect them; and churches, and no one to fill them. At length he came upon a guardian of the public peace who was lazily gazing into the sluggish river over the parapet of an embankment. "Good sir," said he, "can you tell me if this dreadful, lonely, deserted place is the City of the Dead?" man, good-humouredly; "it's only London Go along with you!" oried the policein September!" And then he felt that he had been deceived by appearances! History Repeats Itself Again. ["The alleged unemployed who assemble on Tower Hill are becoming worse even than mountebanks. One of the speakers declared yesterday that The secret societies of London are going to-night to wait on Mr. GLADSTONE, to ask what he is going to do. If the PRIME MINISTER does not give a definite reply, they will take him on their backs and throw him into the Thames.'"The Daily Telegraph, Sept. 1.] THE genius loci haunts For, judging by their vaunts, VOL. CV. MORNING BATH. JABEZWOCKY. the power of making Directors liable in respect of ["In the House of Lords a Bill strengthening misconduct or neglect in the winding-up of Companies passed its second reading."-Daily Paper.] TWAS Ruin! And the Small Invest -Ors gyred and gimbled in despair; The jaws that bite, the claws that dig; Whose weapon was Suppressio Veri! One, two! One, two! And through and through All stages passed the Bill like winking; And this is what the Peers just then Most probably were thinking "And have we scotched the Jabezwock, And spoiled him of his false Prospectus! O frabjous day! What Rad will say Whitechapel seems half a pity; Sorrow will go round, St. Jude's, and thy great But they're all small BARNETT! BARNETT! And when he gets to Bristol City, BARNETT BARNETT! Your loss we 'll larn it. NOUS AND NERVES. [It is said by some of his friends that Dr. CHARCOT, lately dead, who spent a considerable part of his life in the study of neurosis, found this disease everywhere at last, especially in the naturalistic school of French writers.] If this Neurosis, The causa causans of Naturalism, That puts 'twixt genius and sense a schism; For the dawn of a day That from this House he'd now eject us?" When the Glorious Gift that the world so 'Twas Ruin rained! And the dupes Quite chortled such a sight to see; The smug Director brought to book Near to the Dividend Tree! L serves May cut chlorosis, And shun neurosis; In fact, that Genius may have no "nerves." |
