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THE ADVENTURES OF PICKLOCK HOLES. (By Cunnin Toil.)

No. IV. THE ESCAPE OF THE BULL-DOG.

I THINK I have mentioned that the vast intellect of my friend HOLES took as great a delight in unravelling the petty complexities of some slight secret as in tracing back to its source the turbid torrent of a crime that had set all Europe ablaze. Nothing, in fact, was too small for this great man; he lived only to unravel; his days and nights were spent in deciphering criminal cryptograms. Many and many a time have I said to him, "HOLES, you ought to marry, and train up an offspring of detective marvels. It is a sin to allow such a genius as yours to remain unreproduced." But he only smiled at me in his calm, impassive, unmuscular, and unemotional manner, and put me off with some such phrase as, "I am wedded to my art," or, Detection is my wife; she loves, honours, and obeys mequalities I could never find in a mate of flesh and blood." I merely mention these trifles in order to give my readers some further insight into the character of a remarkable man with whom it was my privilege to be associated on more than one occasion during those investigations of which the mere account has astonished innumerable Continents.

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During the early Summer of the year before last a matter of scientific research took me to Cambridge. It will be remembered that at that time an obscure disease had appeared in London, and had claimed many victims. Careful study had convinced me that this illness, the symptoms of which were sudden fear, followed by an inclination to run away, and ending in complete prostration, were due to the presence in the blood of what is now known as the Proctor Bacillus, so called on account of two white patches on its chest, which had all the appearance of the bands worn by the Proctor during the discharge of his unpleasant constabulary functions in the streets and purlieus of University towns. In order to carry on my investigations at the very fountainhead, as it were, I had accepted a long-standing invitation from my old friend Colonel the Reverend HENRY BAGNET, who not only commanded the Cambridge University Volunteers, but was, in addition, one of the most distinguished scholarly ornaments of the great College of St. Baldred's.

"I beg your pardon, Colonel," said the new arrival, bringing his hand to his college cap with an awkward imitation of the military salute. "I am sorry to disturb the harmony of the evening, but I have the Vice-Chancellor's orders to inform you that the largest and fiercest of our pack of bull-dogs has escaped from his kennel. I am to request you to send a detachment after him immediately. He was last heard barking on the Newmarket Road."

In a moment all was confusion. Colonel BAGNET brandished an empty champagne bottle, and in a voice broken with emotion ordered the regiment to form in half-sections, an intricate manoeuvre, which was fortunately carried out without bloodshed. What might have happened next I know not. Everybody was dangerously excited, and it needed but a spark to kindle an explosion. Suddenly I heard a well-known voice behind me.

One moment, Colonel," said PICKLOCK HOLES, for it was none other, though how he had obtained an entrance I have never discovered; you desire to find your lost canine assistant? I can help you, but first tell me why a soldier of your age and experience should insist on wearing a lamb's-wool undervest."

The guests were speechless. Colonel BAGNET was blue with suppressed rage.

How now, Sirrah ?" he replied; "how dare you insinuate that- 99

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"How now, Sirrah?" he replied; "how dare you insinuate that- 19

"Tush, Colonel BAGNET," said my wonderful friend, pointing to the furious warrior's mess - waistcoat; "it is impossible to deceive me. That stain of mint-sauce extending across your chest can be explained only on the hypothesis that you wear underclothing manufactured from lamb. That," he continued, smiling coldly at me, "must be obvious to the meanest capacity." For once in his life the Colonel had no retort handy.

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"I am at your orders," he said, shortly. "The man who can prove that I wear lamb's-wool when I am actually wearing silk is the man for my money." In another moment HOLES had organised the pursuit.

"It would be as well," he remarked, "to have an accurate description of the animal we are in search of. He was

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Here the impatient Colonel interrupted. "A brindled bull, very deep in the chest, with two kinks in his tail; has lost one of his front teeth, and snores violently."

"Quite right," said HOLES; "the description tallies."

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"But, HOLES," I ventured to say, 'this is most extraordinary. You, who have never been in Cambridge before, know all the details of the dog. It is wonderful."

HOLES waved me off with as near an approach to impatience as I have ever seen him exhibit. Having

On the evening to which my story relates we had dined together in the gorgeous mess-room which custom and the liberality of the University authorities have consecrated to the use of the gallant corps whose motto of "Quis jaculatur scarabæum ?" has been borne triumphantly done this, he once more addressed the Colonel. in the van of many a review on the Downs of Brighton and "Your best plan," he said, "will be to scour the King's Parade. elsewhere. The countless delicacies appropriate to the season, You will not find him there. Next you must visit the Esquire the brilliant array of grey uniforms, the heavy gold plate which BEDELL, and thoroughly search his palace from basement to attic. loaded the oak side-board, the choice vintages of France and The dog will not be there, but the search will give you several Germany, all these had combined with the clank of swords, the valuable clues. You will then proceed to the University Library, jingle of spurs, the emphatic military words of command uttered by and in the fifth gallery, devoted to Chinese manuscripts, you will light-hearted undergraduates, and the delightful semi-military, findsemi-clerical anecdotes of that old war-dog, Colonel BAGNET, to make up a memorable evening in the experience of a careworn medical practitioner who had left the best part of his health and his regulation overalls on the bloody battle-field of Tantia-Tee, in the Afghan jungle.

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As HOLES uttered these words the mathematical moderator again entered. 'Sir," he said to the Colonel, "it was all a mistake. The dog is quite safe. He has never been out of his kennel."

That," said HOLES, "is exactly what I was coming to. In the fifth gallery, devoted to Chinese manuscripts, you will find no readers. Hurrying on thence, and guiding your steps by the allpervasive odour of meat-fibrine biscuits, you will eventually arrive at the kennel, and find the dog,"

Colonel BAGNET had just ordered the head mess-waiter to produce six more bottles of the famous "die-hard" port, laid down by his predecessor in the command during the great town and gown riots of 1870. In these terrible civic disturbances the University Volunteers, "Zounds! Mr. HOLES," said the admiring Colonel, in the midst as most men of middle age will remember, specially distinguished of the laugh that followed on HOLES's last words, you are an themselves by the capture and immediate execution of the astounding fellow." And that is why, at the last Cambridge Comtruculent Mayor of Cambridge, who was the prime mover in the mencement, the degree of LL.D. honoris causâ was conferred on commotion. The wine was circulating freely, and conversation was PICKLOCK HOLES, together with a Fellowship at St. Baldred's, flowing with all the verve and abandon that mark the intercourse of worth £800 a year. But my friend is modesty itself. "It is not," undergraduates with dons. Just as I was congratulating the he said, "the honorary degree that I value half so much as the Colonel on the excellence of his port the door opened, and a man of consciousness that I did my duty, and helped a Colonel in the hour forbidding aspect, clothed in the heavy garments of a mathematical of his need." And with these simple words Dr. PICKLOCK HOLES moderator, entered the mess-room. dismissed one of his finest achievements.

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HAUNTED!

THE quarter where I linger,

My square, is Fashion's acme; I'm conscious that the finger

Of scorn may well attack me;
At number six a Viscount

Resides, in proper season;
No wonder, then, that I count
As vulgar now, with reason.
To stay in London, here too!-
This neighbourhood majestic!
Oh! what must it appear to

A nobleman's domestic ?
I feel, I can't help stating,
Each morn I feel (it tries me),
His Lordship's lords-in-waiting
Both pity and despise me.

His blinds are drawn sedately;
Mine blazon low disaster;
How desolate, how stately,

That mansion mourns its master!

His Lordship is at Como

At least so folks are saying; His Lordship's Major-Domo Reproaches me for staying. But, prowling, like a Polar Bear, up and down the pavement Last eve, and grinding molar Teeth over forced enslavement,

A miracle I noted,

A "spook," deserving quires
Of commentaries quoted
By "psychic "Mr. MYERS.
Upon his Lordship's hinges

Revolved his Lordship's portal,
Till thence, with stealthy twinges,
Emerged what seemed a mortal;
A lamp was nigh to show him,-
I'd not been quaffing toddy,
I'm privileged to know him,-
It was-His Lordship's Body.

Now, if his Major-Domo
Told truth-and who can doubt him?
His Lordship was at Como,

And number six without him.
His Lordship, I reflected,

Can earthly trammels o'erstep, And, "astrally projected i

From Como, reach his doorstep 'Twas very odd-I know that;

But then the "spook "-deriding Must undertake to show that

His Lordship was in hiding;

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Sweet sailor hat,

When gazing at those sweeter tresses.

BALFOUR'S BOON.

(By an admiring M.P.)

AFTER hours of dullard, rasper, ranter.
Sweet an interlude of BALFOUR's banter!
JOSEPH's venom, HARCOURT's heavy clowning,
Tired us, in a sea of dulness drowning;
When, hillo! here is PRINCE ARTHUR chaffing
Mr. G. and all the House is laughing!
Never were such light artistic raillery,
Nothing spiteful, naught played to the
gallery;

Finished fun, ad unguem, poignant, polished.
Fled fatigue, and dulness was demolished.
Even the great victim chortled merrily.
That short speech should be "selected,"
verily,

For the next edition of the Speaker.

No coarse slogger, and no crude nose-tweaker Is PRINCE ARTHUR. GLADSTONE first is reckoned

At gay chaff, but BALFOUR's a good second.

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THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.

Miss Bessy. "WON'T YOU SING SOMETHING, CAPTAIN BELSIZE?"

Captain Belsize. "OH! I NO LONGER SING NOW. Do I, MISS CAROLINE?"
Miss Caroline. "I'M AFRAID YOU DO, CAPTAIN BELSIZE!"

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DÉROULÈDE?

And what of the grim prophecies you made? Both out of it-as prophets and as StrongMen!

Discredited, disqualified, defeated! The Rallies too! Results prove them the wrong men.

How the Gazette de France has blared and bleated!

What lots of foes have I left in the lurch!Thanks largely to "the attitude of the Church"!

"Clericalisme, voilà 'ennemi?" Non!

That phrase, oft-quoted, comes not now so readily.

Perennially beautiful as NINON,

I've proved my claim to power of pulling steadily;

Just like my rowing lads upon the Seine, Who've shown big BULL that strength can go with brain.

From Revolution round to firm Stability!!

Upon my word, I think that pull is splendid.

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WORDS! WORDS! WORDS! (By an Unpaired M.P., who has "Sat it Out.") M.P.'s gagged? Why, tongues have wagged Seventy days, or eighty. Little said on any head

Has been wise or weighty.
Gag's all hum! How shall we sum

Seven long weeks' oration P-
Polyphrasticontinomemegalondulation!
BARTLEY, BOWLES-loquacious souls!-
HANBURY and RUSSELL,
Have kept going, seldom "slowing "
In the talky tussle.
SAUNDERSON Went sparring on,

JOE pursued jobation.-
Polyphrasticontinomemegalondulation!
Righteous causes, wicked clauses,

All meant bleats and blethers.
Beaming BOLTON had to moult on,

Gone his old Rad feathers.
"Yaller Jaunders" seized on SAUNDERS.
All drew "explanation ! "—
Polyphrasticontinomemegalondulation!
Grim MACGREGOR-dogged beggar:-
Had "ideas"-and told them;
So had bores in tens and scores,

Why should they withhold them?
What result from all this cult

Of roundaboutation ?-
Polyphrasticontinomemegalondulation
With composure I the Closure

Welcome-our sole saviour
From the gabble of the rabble,
And their bad behaviour.
The Front Benches? Well, one blenches
E'en from their "oration "-
Polyphrasticontinome megalondulation!

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MADAME LA RÉPUBLIQUE. "AHA!-I HAVE PULLED 'IM NOW-AT LAST!!".

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