1 Sam. 15. 14. Man? If I am none of this number, What means the bleating of Sheep, and the lowing of Oxen in mine Ears? What means my Earthly-mindedness? What means my living in wilful contempt of fo many Commands of the Son of God? I take no pains to be faved; fome little Formalities and Complements of Religion ferve my turn, and fatisfie my Confcience. I can put off the great God of Heaven with the World's Leavings, and throw him a dull, heartless Prayer at night, when I have been wallowing in Sin all day. I am for no Devotion that's either expensive or troublefome to Flesh and Blood, and fuch Ejaculations as do not moleft me in my Pleafures, and as my Flesh can eafily fpare, without any detriment in its fatisfaction, I am willing to lay upon God's Altar. I feel little or no Sorrow for Sin, no remorse, no compunctions, when I offend a Gracious God. A Temporal Advantage affects and revives me more than all the Joys of Heaven. I live more by Senfe, than by Faith: My Senfitive Appetite is the ruling Faculty in my inward Man, and my will is left unguided and uuregarded to the Rapes of fenfual Pleasure; I let the Hedge lie open, and the wild Boar out of the Wood may come in, and the wild Beasts of the Field; I mean, my Lufts may do with me what they please. I take no care to rule or mafter them. My Lufts like ill-bred Children, must have all the Toys they cry for; and if at any time I do not fatisfie them, it is because I cannot, or dare not; and it is not Love to Selfdenial, but Force, or Shame, or Carnal Intereft, makes C 3 makes me cross their Eagernefs, and Importunity, If I do fometimes refolve to leave either my groffer Vices, or my more fecret Iniquities, the next Company or Divertisement takes me off again; and I make no more of breaking my folemn Promifes of better obedience, than if God were a mere Stock or Stone, that takes no notice of Affronts and Injuries. Self-denial I am fo great a stranger to, that I know not what it means. The Graces and Fruits of God's Spirit, Love, Joy, Peace, Goodnefs, Faith, Temperance, Meeknefs, Patience, LongJuffering, have fo little of my Defires and Affections, that I think it but Time and Labour loft to bethink my self how to be master of any of them. Why should I flatter and deceive my felf? Why fhould I footh my felf into kind Thoughts of my condition, that is fo apparently dangerous? Thus it is with me, why fhould I deny it? Why fhould I call, Light Darkness and Darkness Light; put Bitter for Sweet, and Sweet for Bitter? Whom do I cheat all this while, is it not my own Soul? And what fhall I gain by it in the end? Shall I think my felf Sufficiently Holy, when I am so little acquainted with the first rudiments of Holiness ? Shall I think my felf a Child of God, when that which I do is fitter for a Child of the Devil, than a Favourite of Heaven? Repentance, or turning to God, which the Holy Ghoft doth fo often, and with that vehemence and earneftness incul cate, implies an univerfal change of my difpofition, and inclinations. And where is that alteration, that renovation of the Mind, Will, and Affections? My Affections are carried out after Froth Froth and Smoke, as much as ever. My Love is fet on trifles, and is regardless of the highest and chiefeft good as much as ever. I hate Serioufnefs and delight in childish impertinent Gayeties, as much as ever. The Promises of the Gospel are as inconfiderable in my Eyes, and the Riches of this World as glorious and ravishing, as ever; and I can difpence with the want of Spiritual Confolations, while I have but my share in these outward Comforts, I think it fufficient that I am Baptized and washed in the Laver of Regeneration, but do not mind, whether I am a new Creature: The Holy Water indeed was fprinkled upon me, but I am still in the gall of Bitterness, and Bond of Iniquity. It's evident by my Actions, that I have driven away, and quenched that Holy Spirit which was given me in Baptifm, and yet I study not how to recover it; and what will be the end of these things? That Spirit is a Spirit of Holiness, and till Holiness returns to my Soul, that Spirit will not return: Wo unto me! My Feet run in the ways of deftruction, and my Eyes are dazled with external pomp and grandeur as much as ever. An amorous Song is more pleafing to me, than the most harmonious Pfalm. The Word of God is but a dead Letter to me, while a Romance, or a Book that treats of Folly and Vanity, tranfports me into more than ordinary content and fatisfaction: And what I must eat,and what I must drink, and wherewithall I fhall be cloatbed? are Queftions I have far greater defire to be refolved in, than to know what I must do to please God, and to be happy for ever. If I have made light of the Thunders and Threatnings of Scripture, I do fo ftill. May be, when God imites me, I feek him, and return, and enquire early after God, and remember that God is my Rock, and the High God my redeemer; but the Rod is no fooner off my back, but I return with the Swine to the mire, and with the Dog to the Vomit: which fhews, that in my affliction I do but flatter God with my mouth, and lie unto him with my Tongue, that my heart is not right with him, and that I am not sted faft in his Covenant. How am I forced fometimes to invent evafions, either that it is enough to believe with the crowd; or that God will not be fo cruel, as to damn all Men that are unfanctified; or that if I fhould begin a good life, I should never hold out; or that if feriousnefs were fo necef. fary fo many Learned Men would not have fo great an averfion from it; How often am I ready to yeild to Atheistical Suggestions, that either my Soul dies with my Body, or that God takes no notice of what we do below; or that there may be no Life to come; or that Religion may be nothing but a trick. Horrid thoughts! Yet what will not a Sinner do, or confent to, fo he may be but let alone in his Sinfull Sport and pleasures. My outward Man, may be, hath fome Sparklings of Piety; but how foul, how fordid is my Soul? How little do I ftrive to be rid of vain, unclean, and luftful Thoughts? How eafily do I yield unto a pleafing temptation? The Devil need take no great pains to feduce me, for if he do but beckon, I make haft and run. How How loth am I to refift an evil motion? How loth to conquer? How loth to break my League with Hell? What an averfion have I from the feverer Duties of Religion? How foon am I weary of pious Exercifes? I do not abate one Luft, not one Pleasure, for Heaven's fake. If I know, that eating a Plentifull Dinner on Sundays will make me fleep at Church, I have no courage to forbear fo much as a meal for God. What did I ever do that look'd like feeking a Heavenly Country? I read of good Examples, but they move me not; I fee how circumfpectly other Men walk, and yet I feel no fire. When I'm called upon by mine own Conícience to lose no more time, I ftifle those checks. Ah! how doth that faithful witness within me fometimes plead with me, and bid me confider what I do, and what a strange adventure I make, and who will have the loss of it in the end, and how hard a matter it will be to recall me, when I am once loft? But I am deaf to these friendly Calls. It tells me, I lie in a dangerous Ditch, and that I am not in the right way, and prompts me to vomit up the Poifon I have fwallowed; but will not be perfwaded, that I am in a state of Condemnation. Thô grey hairs are upon me, and tho the marks of God's wrath against me appear in my Soul, yet I had rather believe any thing, than believe that God is angry with me. God's Spirit many times prompts me to that which is good, but I run away from him. I fee the vanity of this World, and yet I dote on it; I am difappointed in my expectations of earthly Felicity, and yet this doth not |