from the refuse of obscure volumes, where more judicious plagiarists have been before you; so that the body of your work is a composition of dregs and sentiments, like a bad tavern's worst wine. Sir F. Ha! ha! Sneer. In your more serious efforts, he says, your bombast would be less intolerable, if the thoughts were ever suited to the expression; but the homeliness of the sentiment stares through the fantastic incumbrance of its fine language, like a clown in one of the new uniforms! Sir F. Ha! ha! Sneer. That your occasional tropes and flowers suit the general coarseness of your style, as tambour sprigs would a ground of linsey-wolsey; while your imitations of Shakespeare resemble the mimickry of Falstaff's page, and are about as near the standard of the original. Sneer. In short, that even the finest passages you steal are of no service to you; for the poverty of your own language prevents their assimilating! so that they lie on the surface like lumps of marl on a barren moor, encumbering what it is not in their power to fertilize! Sir F. [After great agitation.] Now another person would be vexed at this. Sneer. Oh, but I wouldn't have told you, only to divert you. Sir F. I know it-I am diverted-Ha! ha! ha!not the least invention!-Ha! ha! ha! Very good, very good! Sneer. Yes; no genius! Ha! ha! ha! Dang. A severe rogue! Ha! ha! ha! But you are quite right, Sir Fretful, never to read such nonsense. Sir F. To be sure, for if there is anything to one's praise, it is a foolish vanity to be gratified at it, and if it is abuse, why one is always sure to hear of it from one damned good natured friend or another! Enter SERVANT. Serv. Mr. Puff, sir, has sent word that the last rehearsal is to be this morning, and that he'll call on you presently. Dang. That's true-I shall certainly be at home. [Exit Servant.] Now, Sir Fretful, if you have a mind to have justice done you in the way of answer, egad, Mr. Puff's your man. Sir F. Psha! Sir, why should I wish to have it answered, when I tell you I am pleased at it? Dang. True, I had forgot that. are not fretted at what Mr. Sneer But I hope you Sir F. Zounds! no, Mr. Dangle; dont I tell you these things never fret me in the least. Dang. Nay, I only thought Sir F. And let me tell you, Mr. Dangle, 'tis damned affronting in you to suppose that I am hurt, when I tell I am not. you Sneer. Sir F. Gadslife! Mr. Sneer, you are as absurd as Dangle; how often must I repeat it to you, that nothing can vex me but your supposing it possible for me to mind the damned nonsense you have been repeating to me! and let me tell you, if you continue to believe this, you must mean to insult me, gentlemen-and then your disrespect will affect me no more than the newspaper criticisms-and I shall treat it with exactly the same calm indifference and philosophic contempt and so your servant. But why so warm, Sir Fretful? [Exit. Sneer. Ha! ha! ha! Poor Sir Fretful! Now will he go and vent his philosophy in anonymous abuse of all modern critics and authors. But, Dangle, you must get your friend Puff to take me to the rehearsal of his tragedy. Dang. I'll answer for 't, he'll thank you for desiring it. I'faith, Sneer, I am afraid we were a little too severe on Sir Fretful-though he is my friend. Sneer. Why, 'tis certain, that unnecessarily to mortify the vanity of any writer is a cruelty which mere dulness never can deserve; but where a base and personal malignity usurps the place of literary emulation, the aggressor deserves neither quarter nor pity. Dang. That's true, egad-though he's my friend! Enter SERVANT, Serv. Mr. Puff, sir. Dang. My dear Puff! Enter PUFF. Puff. My dear Dangle, how is it with you? Dang. Mr. Sneer, give me leave to introduce Mr. Puff to you. Puff. Mr. Sneer is this? Sir, he is a gentleman whom I have long panted for the honour of knowinga gentleman whose critical talents and transcendent judgment Sneer. Dear sir Dang. Nay, dont be modest, Sneer, my friend Puff only talks to you in the style of his profession. Sneer. His profession! Puff. Yes, sir; I make no secret of the trade I follow-among friends and brother authors, Dangle knows I love to be frank on the subject, and to advertise myself vivâ voce. I am, sir, a practitioner in panegyric, or, to speak more plainly, a professor of the art of puffing, at your service or anybody else's. Sneer. Sir, you are very obliging! I believe, Mr. Puff, I have often admired your talent in the daily prints. Puff. Yes, sir, I flatter myself I do as much business in that way as any six of the fraternity in town. Devilish hard work all the summer-friend Dangle never worked harder! But, harkye, the winter managers were a little sore, I believe. Dang. No, I believe they took it all in good part. Puff Ay! Then that must have been affectation in them; for, egad, there were some of the attacks which there was no laughing at ! Sneer. Ay, the humorous ones. But I should think, Mr. Puff, that authors would in general be able to do this sort of work for themselves. Puff. Why, yes, but in a clumsy way. Besides, we look on that as an encroachment, and so take the opposite side. I dare say now you conceive half the very civil paragraphs and advertisements you see, to be written by the parties concerned, or their friends. No such thing-nine out of ten manufactured by me in the way of business. Sneer. Indeed! Puff. Even the auctioneers now-the auctioneers I say, though the rogues have lately got some credit for their language-not a particle of the merit's theirs! take them out of their pulpits, and they are as dull as catalogues! No, sir; 't was I first enriched their style -'t was I first taught them to crowd their advertisements with panegyrical superlatives, each epithet rising above the other, like the bidders in their own auction rooms! From me they learned to inlay their phraseology with variegated chips of exotic metaphor; by me too their inventive faculties were called forth. Yes, sir, by me they were instructed to clothe ideal walls with gratuitous fruits—to insinuate obsequious rivulets into visionary groves-to teach courteous shrubs to nod their approbation of the grateful soil! or, on emergencies, to raise upstart oaks, where there never had been an acorn; to create a delightful vicinage without the assistance of a neighbour, or fix the temple of Hygeia in the fens of Lincolnshire! Dang. I am sure you have done them infinite service; for now, when a gentleman is ruined, he parts with his house with some credit. Sneer. But pray, Mr. Puff, what first put you on exercising your talents in this way? Puff. Egad, sir, sheer necessity-the proper parent of an art so nearly allied to invention: you must know, Mr. Sneer, that from the first time I tried my hand at an advertisement, my success was such, that, for some time after, I led a most extraordinary life indeed! Sneer. How, pray? Puff. Sir, I supported myself two years entirely by my misfortunes! Sneer. By your misfortunes? Puff. Yes, sir, assisted by long sickness, and other occasional disorders; and a very comfortable living I had of it. Sneer. From sickness and misfortunes! Puff. Harkye! By advertisements-"To the charitable and humane!" and "to those whom Providence hath blest with affluence!" Sneer. Oh, I understand you. Puff. And, in truth, I deserved what I got; for I suppose never man went through such a series of calamities in the same space of time. Sir, I was five times made a bankrupt, and reduced from a state of affluence by a train of unavoidable misfortunes! then, sir, though a very industrious tradesman, I was twice |