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adminifter fome kind of relief to one in my condition. He, obferving the ghaftlinefs of my looks, and taking notice that fomewhat ailed me, asked me how I did; to which I could not reply. He preffing to know what the matter was, I at length, in a very abrupt and broken manner, told him, that I was full of the apprehenfions and fears that I was a damned man, and that there was no hopes of mercy for fuch a one as I was.

The minifter, fomewhat furprised at fo fudden and fo great a change fince but the day before, began to examine what great and heinous fins one of my age, and one in fo encouraging circumstances as I was in, could be guilty of, which fhould occasion such fad defpair. He mentioned fome texts of fcripture, thereby hoping to have given fome relief to my weary gafping foul; but all in vain; God's time of healing being not yet come; and finding by my frequent coming to him for eafe and comfort to how little purpose he had laboured with me, he at length advifed me to ride into the country to vifit my father and other relations, and by that means, as alfo by exercising myfélf with fuch exercife as I formerly delighted in, as fhooting with the gun, and angling, to divert my melancholy thoughts. This I was glad to hear of, my own inclinations leading fo ftrongly to it: in order to the effecting of which I addressed myfelf to my Lord's housekeeper, entreating her to acquaint my Lord, that, in regard of fome prefent

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indifpofition under which I laboured, and in order to my health, I had not only an inclination, but was advised to vifit my father in the country; in order whereto I thought it convenient to acquaint his Lordship therewith, to the end I might obtain not only his Lordship's free confent, but also the liberty of a horse, to perform my intended journey. The housekeeper no fooner delivered my request to my Lord, but my Lord commands her to call me up into his chamber. As foon as I received the command, I fell immediately into a great sweat and fore trembling; up I went, and being entered into the chamber, my Lord locks the chamberdoor, and laying his hat on a cabinet, fits down in his chair, and with an earnest and piercing eye looks on a pretty while before he speaks, 1 all the while fweating and quaking. At length my Lord begins with "James, what ails you? What is the matter? I hear you go privately to ministers; there is fomewhat ails you. What is it?" I, perceiving by my Lord's discourse, that the minister of the parish had acquainted my Lord with my cafe, found myself far more uneafy than before. My fweat and tremblings of foul increasing upon me, my Lord continued querying me, "What ails you, James? tell me what is the matter." I was fo overwhelmed in my spirit, that my fpeech was fwallowed up, as faith Job vi. 3. But my Lord not letting me alone, but with earnest importunities preffing to know what I ailed, I at length, as a poor condemned

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demned caitiff hanging by a twine thread over hell's mouth, roared out as if my bowels had burst out of my body, crying, with great and unutterable groans and tears, "My good Lord, dear my Lord, I am afraid I am an undone creature; I am a damned man; there is no mercy for me." My Lord, perceiving by my looks and fpeech that I was in good earnest effectually wounded, with tears in his eyes, and with the greatest concernedness for me, began to play the fpiritual physician, afking me, with great earnestnefs, what gross and crying fins, as adultery, murder, and the like, could one of my years be guilty of, as to occafion my falling into defpair of mercy. And, faid my Lord, admit you were guilty of fuch, and greater abominations, what reafon have you for despair? You must know that Jefus Chrift, the Son of God, came into the world not to lay a load on you, but take your load off you: quoting Matt. xi. 29. Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you reft.

With many other texts of fcripture, and comfortable expreffions, he laboured to relieve and ease my burthened and finking foul, but all in vain, God's time of curing my deep and desperate wound being not come. As touching my purpose of going into the country, my Lord told me I might ufe my freedom, but that his judgment and advice was, that it were better for me to ftay than to go into the country; and that, because of the great disadvantage

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disadvantage which by going would accrue to me in the ftudies. My Lord, having declared his judgment what had been beft for me to do, I told his Lordship I was refolved to take his advice, whatever came of me, and accordingly I did.

My fore continually ran, day and night, and ceafed not: yea, my foul refused to be comforted! according to the words of the Pfalmift, in the like cafe, Pfal. lxxvii. 2. In the day of my trouble 1 fought the Lord: my fore ran in the night, and ceafed not: my soul refused to be comforted.

I feemed to follow and to ply my studies rather for fashion fake, and for fear my Lord and my father should fufpect that I loved idleness, rather than any love I had thereto, or hopes that ever it would turn to any account for good to myself or others.

When at any time I looked into a book, instead of heeding or minding what was in the book, the eye of my gnawing guilty confcience was fixed on the many fins I had committed against God; infomuch, that all the fins of my youth were, in all their black and aggravating circumftances, laid and held before me as a looking-glafs, to fhew me what a monstrous finner I was: according to that of David, Pfal. li. 3. For I acknowledge my tranfgreffions, and my fin is ever before me.

Endless were the toilings and rowlings of my weary foul, from one fad confufion and defpairing thought to another. Innumerable were the forry prayers,

prayers, fuch as they were, and other duties, which I daily performed, to keep and relieve my defpairing foul, but all in vain: which caufed me to conclude that I had been much wanting in the trade of works; and that had I not been fo, I might have been acquainted with peace and comfort before now. To the trade of doing I again addreffed myfelf; refolving not to omit or leave undone any thing, which I understood, by reading or hearing, to be matter of duty. Praying, understand by the Common Prayer Book, for I knew no better; reading, fafting, and attending the most lively preachers, as I thought; frequenting facraments; giving alms to the poor of what money my Lord and other relations handed out to me. That place in Dan. iv. 27. Break off thy fins by righteousness, and thine iniquities by fhewing mercy to the poor, was oft in my thoughts, according to which I gave away whatever I got: yea, so addicted to relieve the poor and needy was I, that I would give away my very apparel when I had no money. And all this from a pharifaical and fuperftitious conceit, that by thofe acts of duty and fervice I fhould recompenfe God for those fins which, like a mill-ftone on the back of a man, were finking my foul into the gulph of defperation.

I did abound more and more in ftrict and circumfpect walking according to do and live, the condition and tenure of the covenant of works, under which I was labouring for life. The more I wrought

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